Rating: Granny Alright girls, fill in any details I didn’t write down. Yes, I took notes — it’s no fun if one of us doesn’t have any Type A tendencies — but I didn’t take enough notes. Don’t feel bad, Mrs. Thong, that you couldn’t make the weekend. It’s not like we had a bang-up time because in actuality, we had several mellow moments. (okay, we did have a lot of fun.) Well, except for the day I was received into the Church. I was higher than a kite that day. Drinks the Good Stuff set me down and prescribed real wine which I told her I could only drink medicinally so she said “Fine. Drink it medicinally.” Then over dinner with the dentist and his six children I just knew I was about to start mouthing off, because you know my mouth is uncontrollable when I’m not drinking… The hostess placed the wine bottle in front of my dinner plate and I read “Fancy Wine Name. 14.5% alcohol by content.” Excuse me? I drink cheap sweet wine which is 7.5% which is why I was drinking Drinks the Good Stuff and Swears and Drinks under the table. Long story short, the wine I’d been given in a gallon-sized goblet calmed me down until I realized that I was losing my eyesight and self control could not be far behind. (What self-control? Now that I think about it, I’d already had Drinks the Good Stuff rifling through my lingerie drawer to bring me stockings to church — I changed my mind twice — and three pairs of shoes.) We gals all came home that night and stayed up reading CMGW.com out loud. Halfway through, Drinks the Good Stuff says, “Look at this.” There was my name in all it’s un-pseudonym-ed glory in one of our better posts. I am quite certain I’ve not jumped up so fast ever. What I am most particularly pleased with is that Hot Mama, who was with us for the weekend, likes my wine. She tried DTGS’s Nobilo, my Rosa Regale, and ended up drinking strawberry wine with me. I’m pretty sure DTGS and S&D were suitably appalled. I have my first corruptee. At the end of reading CMGW.com, DTGS asked Hot Mama if it was as bad as she thought it would be. Hot Mama replied, “Oh no. It’s much worse!” Hot Mama said that DTGS and S&D were much like she imagined them to be, but that she never imagined me this way — I think she meant funny and outgoing. Really? What do you think Mrs. Thong? Sunday night we went to a bar — you know the kind with 101 shooters with names you can not say with a straight face or without sunglasses? We perused Silk Panties, Gorilla Tit, Green Chili, Alabama Slammer and … “Vulcan Mind Probe? What’s that?” Drinks the Good Stuff: One drink and everything you know comes out your mouth. I said I was coming back with my designated driver. We discussed drinking at which Swears and Drinks professed that she really doesn’t drink that often, maybe two glasses a month? I felt obliged to tell her that she just wasn’t using it to its full potential then. I’m a Purpose Driven Drinker. See, at least I read the Psalms. (104:15) For whatever reason we progressed to beer, which prompted Drinks the Good Stuff to share that she uses a certain type of beer to catch snails. Snail Bait. At this, my jaw dropped and Swears and Drinks quipped “It doesn’t just work on people.” We discussed blogging and I explained “Flagship Content.” The good stuff we can be a resource for. What people come back for, you see. As we sat laughing like we were in junior high preparing to go out to eat, I looked at Swears and Drinks and said: Flagship Content. Tonight I’m gonna get some.
Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, conversation, granny
Rating: Brazilian
As you know, we’ve been discussing the licitness of oral stimulation and Swears and Drinks tells me it’s in the Bible. Recently, we got to sit in on a class on the Song of Solomon under the illustrious Professor O.
Unfortunately, we were the rowdy ones in the back row and may have missed all the main points.
From Bible Class, Song of Solomon Day
(“Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby, Let’s Talk About You And Me, Let’s Talk About Sex”)
3 Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my lover among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
Swears and Drinks: There’s your verse. That’s it baby.
Drinks the Good Stuff: That’s it. What did you think the “shade” and “apples” were?
Cheap Sweet Wine: I had no idea. I worship you two. I’ve never thought about this before. I’ve sat through entire seminars on the Song of Solomon and never got oral sex out of it.
[uproarious laughter -- you don't really want to know how often this happened]
Prof: Alrighty then, how precisely is this young man like an apple tree. Unpack the simile.
Class: Stately? Strong? Tall?
Prof: Why an apple tree, then? Why not an oak? What’s an apple tree have?
Class: Fruit! Yes! Fruit!
Prof: Doing what?
Class: Dangling there…. waitaminnit.
Prof: And the beloved does what to the fruit?
Class: No fucking way.
Prof: Fucking way. And her reaction?
Class: No FUCKING way!
Fucking way.
[falling out of chair, I kid you not, laughter]
Prof: Way.
4 He has taken me to the banquet hall,
and his intention toward me was love.
Prof: They are going to the banqueting hall. Why? What’s in the banqueting hall?
Class: Food?
Prof: And?
Class: Um… drink?
Prof: Very good! Why does he take her there?
Class: Because he loves her?
Prof: It is possible to love a girl without giving her food and drink. Why do YOU take one another to the roadhouse when you’re in love?
Class: To loosen her up?
Prof: A’s all around.
5 Strengthen me with raisins,
refresh me with apples,
for I am faint with love.
Prof: Where did we last see fruit?
Class: She was… um, tasting it?
Prof: Excellent. Her attitude towards the fruit?
Class: Powerpills for the lovelorn!
Prof: Well done. Gentlemen, if a woman ever compares your testicles to raisins, there is literary precedent. Do not take offense.
Fucking Way.
Chapter Four:
11 Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride;
milk and honey are under your tongue.
Prof: So is she drooling? He thinks her spit is sweet?
Class (sullenly): There are precedents in love…
Prof: True! But there are more than one kind of lip, yes?
Class: He said “tongue”! He distinctly said “tongue!”
Prof: Ah, but aren’t there tongues on the lips both upper and lower?
Class: ???
Brilliant Sexy Female Student: I think he means the clitoris.
Prof: Head of the class.
Class: No fucking way.
Prof: Fucking way.
Fucking way.
12 You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride;
you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.13 Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates
with choice fruits,
with henna and nard,14 nard and saffron,
calamus and cinnamon,
with every kind of incense tree,
with myrrh and aloes
and all the finest spices…
Beloved:
16 Awake, north wind,
and come, south wind!
Blow on my garden,
that its fragrance may spread abroad.
Let my lover come into his garden
and taste its choice fruits.
Prof: She is compared to…?
Class: A locked garden.
Prof: Within which is…?
Class: Spice. And fruit.
Prof: Her attitude towards this comparison is…?
Class: Positive.
Prof: Provoking her to do what?
Class: Invoke the winds to carry the scent.
Prof: Yes, to bring her funkiness to him, inviting him to do what?
Class: Come into the garden…
Prof: Which metaphorizes what?
Class: No fucking way.
Prof: Fucking way. What does she want him to do there?
Class (resigned): Eat the fruit.
Prof: Go and do likewise. See you Thursday.
No. Fucking. Way. [They're kicking us out of class now.]
CSW: Swears and Drinks, if you got all this out of Song of Solomon before now, I worship you.
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Rating: Granny’s Church Panties.
(Exit immediately if you don’t ever struggle with just wanting to KNOW a few things.)
When it comes to plenary indulgences, don’t you wish we had some kind of installed “attachment to sin meter” so you knew just how close you came to qualifying? Seriously. Red for….well perhaps I’ve encountered one too many heretics lately and I’m really low on charity. Fantasizing about gasoline, a match, and a BIG pile of green wood? Yellow for the mundane ordinary temptations like looking at your children and wondering if you should let them live until dinner. Or maybe sell just one of them into slavery? (Don’t you think it would make the other ones shape up?) Green for when you just spent about six hours in Adoration and you’re looking forward to Mass in a couple of hours. I think that would be handy. I know my husband would like it. “Do not mess with me honey. My meter is red and the charity tank doesn’t even have fumes left.” Then at least I would know how partial my plenary indulgence is.
And no. You may not see my meter.
Rating: Bikini
Ahhh…..it turns out that Heartbreaker has a couple of important details that Cheap Sweet Wine left OUT of her rendition of the Mary Magdalene strut….I mean story. It seems that she was going to buy less sparkly (and cheaper) beads but Cheap Sweet Wine insisted on getting the “good stuff.”
At least it was the good stuff. Sweet Stuff and Center of the Universe still can’t use them to pray in public though. Not because they are too sparkly but because I can’t look at them without breaking into uncontrollable giggles.
Site Search Tags: drinks the good stuff, bikini
Rating: Granny
Drinks the Good Stuff and Swears and Drinks arrived in one piece and it’s great to be in one city. We had dinner at a little place my cowgirl friend recommended. I’m going back.
During dinner, we all weren’t feeling up to par — it’s a time zone change after all, but Swears and Drinks managed to keep us laughing.
I received a call during dinner which is highly unusual, so I took it. The ladies at dinner heard:
Oh no, I’m just a housewife.
(laughter) Well, I homeschool too. (much laughter)
(raucous laughter) You just made my night. I hope you get a right number next time. Take care.
Swears and Drinks says, “I want your number. You sound like fun.”
But I didn’t hear her, so I asked her to repeat it.
I think the whole restaurant enjoyed hearing her say she wanted my number ’cause I sound like fun.
It’s going to be a good visit.
(The actual call, abbreviated):
Hi, I think this is a wrong number… I’m looking for Dave, he pours concrete.
Oh no, I’m just a housewife.
I don’t think I’d say “just.” Housewife is pretty big job.
(laughter) Well, I homeschool too. (much laughter)
Well now I know that’s a real big job. That’s great. And I’d say that’s much harder than pouring concrete.
(raucous laughter) You just made my night. I hope you get a right number next time. Take care.
Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, conversation, granny
I’m at the grocery picking up my favorite wine. Yes, it’s damn cheap. I won’t even tell you how cheap. I like it. I’m going to buy it. And I’m going through 1.25 bottles every … few … But as I was leaving the grocery I hear “Hey! Aren’t you Dr. S’s wife?!?” Yes, I am. And I’m standing here with 5 bottles of cheap sweet wine and Ben & Jerry’s for our weekend. What am I doing? That boy would buy me anything. Except Dom Perignon. The last time I had champagne I asked if we could add sugar, so at New Year’s when I mentioned trying $100 a bottle Dom, he said, “You are so not worth that. You will not like it and will head back to your $[cheap] wine. Unh-uh.” You know what, I think he was just getting back at me for the time when we were job interviewing and I asked if the town had fireworks on New Year’s Eve. I said, “It’s also our anniversary. I don’t need fireworks every year, but occasionally it’d be nice.” Yeah — we got the job. So I head off to the Gourmet Winery for the only quasi-expensive wine I know and like: Rosa Regale. I instant message Drinks the Good Stuff: How expensive is good wine? By the glass? The wine I just picked up is about $9 a glass if I’m drinking it. One bottle, $20. DTGS tells me she’s found wine that’s unknown and still good, cheaper. Like I know these things. DTGS says she will drink anything, but I don’t want to kill her. She’s my daughter’s godmother. S&D is from Texas and I know I can’t kill her. I had to go to two separate liquor stores to find my second favorite wine. But I will not be the only one without something that can technically be labeled “the good stuff.” I have a semblance of pride, you know. Then again, maybe not.Rating: Granny
The things I do for you two. (So sorry Mrs. Thong, that you have to miss the get-together this weekend.)
Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, granny
Rating: Commando
Swears &Drinks: Ok this is bad.
Cheap Sweet Wine: Good bad. Bad bad?
S&D: I have this muscle in my shoulder that burns when I get uptight.
CSW: Oh — painful when you move it?
S&D: A bumble bee, one of the great big honking ones, landed on me in high school and when I felt something tickle I slapped at it thinking mosquito and DH thinks the stinger must have been driven down into the muscle. Anyway, when I work hard or get uptight or tense, it really burns there.
CSW: That sounds horrible. Are you uptight?
S&D: And only muscle relaxer or beer or something makes it stop so last night I had one and it felt fine. Guess what it feels like at 9 am? 
CSW: That’s a problem? You have an excuse to drink at 9am?
CSW: Yeah, get me a beer kids…
CSW: Ha. Well, I think I can imagine the hangover. Yesterday I felt drunk until noon. I am so usually not like this. DH asked if he could thank you two.
S&D: ROL
S&D: F
S&D: Sigh.
S&D: and yes, he’s welcome.
CSW: Is that an F-Bomb?
S&D: A double entendre.
CSW: Good one.
CSW: Hey it’s not even 12 hours since our last post — and we score again!
S&D: I meant double in that I had left it out and might be also cursing that I had left it out (of the roFl).
CSW: Yes — that’s what I thought. After I figured out what you just said! And I’ve NOT been drinking.
CSW: How. Ever. I’ve been on the Moral Theology board at Catholic.com today. And I didn’t realize that oral stimulation before sex was considered illicit by some. What a way to wake up!
S&D: 
No kidding. And how depressing to be THEIR mate eh?
CSW: Exactly!
CSW: I think some people can’t separate stimulation from completion.
S&D: Besides, there is evidence of oral stim in the scriptures; ever read the Song of Solomon? It ain’t just about the church, baby. It’s not even primarily about the church.
CSW: Oh, I need that verse dear.
CSW: Or to be this man’s wife: I believe it is fairly common for a woman to desire to achieve climax after her husband,…
S&D: Uh yeah? Or at least better that than not at all. But given the church’s position on mast. they bloody hell better not leave us frustrated.
CSW:
S&D: I mean what’s the point of being married AND burning?
Cheap Sweet Wine: No. Kidding.
CSW: Reading these threads — just the titles… I’m thinking the Holy Father is going to have to come out and say something graphic.
CSW: Here’s how one guy put it — it’s all okay as long as you remember he needs to cross the finish line with his boys heading in the right direction.
S&D: HOWLING
CSW: Now that’s a discipline you can take to the bank.
S&D: 
Good way to put it. That answers a LOT of ‘what if’s.’
CSW: I had no idea this was even discussed.
S&D: The way I put it when asked recently was that if you cut off the ability for life to result, then it isn’t ok.
CSW: I think I’d rather hear the F-bomb than this:
Just make sure you deposit your seed where it’s supposed to be deposited. If you do anything sexual with your wife, you just need to finish up in the right place–otherwise what you’re doing is not open to life.
CSW: Biblical or not. Weird #1 applies.
S&D: Coughing
CSW: Deposit. Seed. Bank. I’m done with these threads.
S&D: I’m cracking up.
S&D: Where DID you say you found these?
CSW: Let me see… Catholic.com forums. Moral Theology board.
S&D: Ah, now I NEVER would’ve expected that.
CSW: It’s been um… interesting. But really. I didn’t realize there was a debate on OS. Not oral sex (completion) but foreplay.
S&D: No, I didn’t either but, it doesn’t surprise me. Heck, I could see that taking place on our forums and you’d have some prudes saying “How ungodly,” and some of us saying, “Your poor husband…”
CSW: I was drinking!
S&D: Sorry. 
CSW: Right. Oh I want to procrastinate today too. Start the thread!
S&D: I double. dog. The moderator would kill us…
S&D: Well, it is a moral question.
CSW: It could start out with… I’m trying to form my conscience.
S&D: HOWLING
CSW: You keep howling… I’m planning. If ONLY we still had secret user names.
S&D: Oh I know; I’m so wicked.
CSW: I would do it in a heartbeat if EVERY time they saw my User ID, they wouldn’t snicker… oh. Something really naughty.
S&D: Think video rocker connotations.
CSW: Yep. Can’t see her without the mental image. THAT is painful.
S&D: Yeah.
CSW: Some things just need to be between friends.
Site Search Tags: swears and drinks, cheap sweet wine, commando, rant, convictions
Technorati: convictions
Rating: Granny Swears and Drinks: Love your reply on X. Cheap Sweet Wine: Do you? I woke up with a cloudy head… hmmm, wonder why? So I felt like an idiot and said so. But by the time I’d read the whole thing, I was thinking: No. I’m not the idiot. Swears and Drinks: Whom? Cheap Sweet Wine: Jane. Swears and Drinks: Ah OK. Cheap Sweet Wine: Isn’t that who we were talking about? Cheap Sweet Wine: I think you and I are in-the-room conversants. Cheap Sweet Wine: It’s so CLEAR to ME who I’m talking about! WHY can’t you follow along? Cheap Sweet Wine: This is bad. We haven’t said one SINGLE bloggable thing in this IM. Cheap Sweet Wine: I just read the title of a thread… Freezer jam – what am I doing wrong? and it grossed me out. Remember my Weird #1? Swears and Drinks: OK, didn’t our buddy do a blog entry on this? Cheap Sweet Wine: Oh! Yes, I thought of that, but my hangover prevented me from mentioning it. Swears and Drinks: I have a Corona with lime Swears and Drinks: RIGHT. NOW. BABY. Cheap Sweet Wine: Bitch. — inaugural voyage. Swears and Drinks: And now, we have a post. *Main Entry: in·au·gu·ral Function: adjective
Watch you or DTGS (Drinks the Good Stuff) nail it.
Swears and Drinks: Yes, just wasn’t sure who doesn’t get it cuz it could’ve been anyone.
Swears and Drinks: Ha.
Swears and Drinks:
Cheap Sweet Wine: On freezer jam?
Swears and Drinks: What was that about in room conversants?
Cheap Sweet Wine: Right NOW?
Swears and Drinks: Thank You.
Cheap Sweet Wine: You’re. Welcome.
1 : of or relating to an inauguration
2 : marking a beginning : first in a projected series
Site Search Tags: granny, swears and drinks, conversation
Rating: Bikini (for video content)
So any gags at your place? My husband tried to pull one over on me that my computer had been hacked, but he didn’t realize how deep the techno goes. One look and it was all over.
To tell you what I did to him, I’m reminiscing a bit: I married a man who wears many hats: doctor, cowboy, etc.. He was a bad boy — dating every girl in sight and riding his Virago — when I met him at 18, but I kinda liked him that way. We fell in love on that bike.
I didn’t realize that he was also a tough boy because you’ll never quite know it. He was the boys’ drinking buddy because if they got in a scrape at the pool hall … they wanted him handy.
So, for April Fool’s day, I changed the ringtone on his phone. Now when I call, he hears:
As Good As I Once Was by Toby Keith
Video here. And it’s hilarious.
I ain’t as good as I once was
My how the years have flown
But there was a time, back in my prime
When I could really hold my own
But if you wanna fight tonight
Guess those boys don’t look all that tough
I ain’t as good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was
I used to be hell on wheels
Back when I was a younger man
Now my body says, “You can’t do this boy”
But my pride says, “Oh yes you can”
I ain’t as good as I once was
That’s just the cold hard truth
I still throw a few back, talk a little smack
When I’m feelin’ bulletproof
So don’t double dog dare me now
‘Cause I’d have to call your bluff
I ain’t as good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was…
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