Rating: Granny….if she wears a sari.

Swears and Drinks is at my home for a visit and she brought her children for me to corrupt….I mean educate. It is such a joy when children reach an age where when they ask a question you can say, “You really don’t want to know the answer.” And then, when they persist in badgering you for an answer….you give it to them. [very big grin]. Swears and Drinks’ eldest has reached just such an age and BOY did she come to the right house to get an education.

Lesson #1. Swears and Drink’s eldest was watching a TV program when an offhand remark was made regarding breast implants. This remark was made while S&D’s and my children were watching TV, S&D, myself and Cheap Sweet Wine were both on the phone and in instant message conversation. (You can never have too much communication among girlfriends) S&D’s eldest proceeds to LAUNCH on a tirade about how disgusting and gross and horrible breast implants are. This caused all three adult women who were privy to this little rant by the young know-it-all to nearly choke with laughter knowing that one of us…cough…and indeed the MOTHER of said opinionated young teenaged girl… had herself a pair of those gross, disgusting, and horrible devices surgically implanted some years ago. And of course, since we were on IM in addition to the phone we could have ourselves a lovely discussion without any possibility whatsoever of being overheard. (I love technology.)

A little while later this young lady was being counseled by her mother about the wisdom of tempering such deeply held opinions or at least not expressing them with such vehemence when she isn’t sure of the audience. Ms. Know-it-all looked her mother squarely in the eye and said, “Well it isn’t as if YOU have them so what’s the big deal?” (This of course leads to the inescapable conclusion that even in the eyes of young children that the idea of me having implants is patently absurd.) At this point Swears and Drinks looks at her eldest child and said “Oh really? You know that for sure do you?” [grin] It’s so much fun yanking the rug out from under someone who knows for sure they are standing on the bare floor.

Lesson #2 Swears and Drinks has a bit of a love affair with Indian food. I don’t mean this in a symbolic way. S&D lives in a place where Taco Bell is considered good Mexican food and Indian is quite simply out of the question. When she comes to my house, a visit to one of the local Indian eateries is essential. So this afternoon we were at a most excellent Indian and reminiscing about S&D’s first experience with Indian food. S&D’s eldest wanted to know what we were talking about and I said that her mother had been known to attract attention when eating Indian food. S&D’s eldest was instantly curious. “What do you mean?” she asked. I said, “You really don’t want to know.” Stupid child. She insisted that she wanted to know and she’s old enough to hear the answer rather than have me live through the pestering. So I said, “Have you ever watched ‘When Harry Met Sally’?” “No.” S&D chimes in “Do you know that shampoo commercial where the woman is moaning while she is washing her hair….?” S&D’s eldest’s expression clearly indicated puzzlement. So I stepped in (my specialty) and said, “When your mother eats good Indian food she makes noises typically associated with extreme enjoyment of conjugal relations.” It’s really too bad we didn’t have video camera because as much fun as it would be to document a case of S&D “going Indian” it would have been even more fun to document that face made by her eldest…jaw hitting (denting even) the table, eyebrows shooting up well into her hairline, and a deep and thorough blush.

I did mention to her that the next time I tell her she doesn’t want to know something, she might consider believing me.