Rating: Brazilian

If you don’t read our message boards, this bit will not be coherent. We offer it for The Regulars. (However this article is what is in view.)

Cheap Sweet Wine: Can I say, nay, can I complain that reading “my God” in the context of “The “God” that you rejected is not my God, either.” is like nails on chalkboard? (One of the remaining figures of speech Weird #1 permits.)

Swears & Drinks: Oh. yes. ma’am. God does NOT come with personal pronouns. Where DID you read this?

CSW: Our boards.

S&D: Dare I go there?

CSW: Oh I’m having no trouble not posting, but I wanted to feel closer to you, so I complained.

S&D: Rolling.

S&D: If it is intimacy that we need here, let’s cut straight to _____.

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S&D: Aren’t you glad I shared my opinion ?

CSW: Yes I am. That’s why you’re my drinking buddy. We’ll have to share with TimandBrandon just how right we are. All the time.

S&D: Laughing. A.men. Just hand over the hand-mixed margarita, baby, and no one gets hurt.

CSW: That’s my line. Yours is “She’s paying. I’ll take the cheap stuff.”

S&D: Laughing. On the rocks. Tastes bettah that way.

CSW: Yes it does! So glad I was with you. One shouldn’t continue frozen when there are rocks to be had. Ahem.

S&D: HOW.LING. A.men. You are SUCH a bad influence. Bringing back things that I had left back in my Baptist days. I owe you. Big. time.

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S&D: You are CATHOLIC; of COURSE you are annoying some people!

CSW: True that.

S&D: Welcome to my world.

CSW: I know. Wondering what is the step down from Forum Hammer… Forum Screwdriver… Ah. The Forum Shrew.

S&D: Well better that than the Forum Screw, ahem, which WOULD be the short form.

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CSW: Okay… when you want to look up your Yahoo history (no reason really… whistling), where is it?

S&D: Yahoo history. I have no. clue.

CSW: I see that… where? Geez.

S&D: You are my techno friend.

CSW: I ask you ONE tech question.

S&D: Grinning.

CSW: Fine. I shall return with answers. (She flies off in cape.)

S&D: Just remember Techno Hero, lycra is NOT our friend.

CSW: Found it. Cue Wonder Woman soundtrack.

S&D: Wonder Woman soundtrack cued. Volume modulated.

CSW: Go to “Conversation.” Then “Preferences.” Then see if you see “View Archives.”

S&D: Oh DUH. You mean how to view yahoo IM history? Good GRIEF. I knew that. I thought you meant yahoo search/page history. Come ON woman. Specifics.

CSW: Okay. She gets all uppity now.

S&D: Whatdja need it for?

CSW: Wondering how it worked.

S&D: Oh.

CSW: You know how if you Copy & Paste it, you lose some?

S&D: It will save conferences and IM text. Yeah.

CSW: If you talk long enough, it falls off.

S&D: HOWLING. Really.

CSW: Oh stop it! We are not drinking tonight. Okay. I have a pale ale.

S&D: I’m SO laughing. You DO NOT.

CSW: Yes, she does.

S&D: Man, that fridge SO goes in my closet.

CSW: It should!

S&D: Is that the orange kind? What was it, blue moon?

CSW: Uh… It’s in a brown bottle. But peeking in, it looks kinda orangeish. Like I know.

S&D: Rolling.

CSW: Last time I had one it was in a CLEAR glass at the end of 4 amaretto sours, 2 margaritas and I *think* two martinis. So I have NO eff-ing CLUE what color it was.

S&D: Laughing. I SO can’t wait, you are so bad for me. Who KNEW sitting at the bar was this much fun? That was my FIRST TIME.

CSW: I am, I am. No kidding.

S&D: Bar. Virgin.

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S&D: Boy is that thread raising the hackles.

CSW: I hear you. It’s a temptation.

S&D: Yes. But would it be a near occasion of sin, or a spiritual act of mercy, and how bad is THAT, to wonder?

CSW: Oh I just mean temptation to post. I’m sure one of us could find it in us to be nice. You go for it. You have no pale ale.

S&D: Laughing; yeah. Think about that: ‘more. mellow. on. booze.’

CSW: Don’t you know that cracked them up for the first two hours? That was us. Mellow.

S&D: Laughing; I know!

CSW: I thought he might be kicking us out when he came up and told us it was a family restaurant and to stop looking at midget porn.

S&D: Rolling; I know. Me too. That was funny.

CSW: They know how to get us back in there.

S&D: Yeah, dangle the hand-mixed; load up the salt rim…

CSW: Absolutely. Oh. They *were* responsive, weren’t they?

S&D: Oh yes ma’am. Very.

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CSW: Just for your mild enjoyment.

S&D: Oh I SAW this. Is that not a riot? A chalk stud makes people pregnant. Sigh. LOVE that theology…

CSW: That is some kind of chalk.

S&D: Ok, if women of a certain weight should not wear hip huggers and tight shirts, then this is WAY wrong. I mean what happened to common sense and self preservation instinct? Hell, I don’t even do CARTWHEELS anymore and I don’t weigh no 500 lbs.

CSW: Well, at 500lbs. one might reasonably argue that self preservation was dispensed with long, long ago.

S&D: True dat.

CSW: No kidding. Last time I did a cartwheel I hurt for days. Laughing; I mean it though.

S&D: And jumping on the trampoline? Oh that is SO wrong…

CSW: Hey now. Last time I did that was…lessee…2003. That wasn’t too bad, but I have, to put it politely, no breasts.

S&D: The girls wanted me to show them something when we got ours years go… and I did ONE jump and said ok, no more; that is SO not happening. It wasn’t the breasts… I don’t do enough kegels.

CSW: Rolling!

S&D: Ahem; tmi. Note to self… get right on that…

CSW: That was too funny.

S&D: Bad, that was bad.

CSW: Yeah. Must do kegels. Good for things other than tramps. (olines…)

S&D: HOWLING. Yeah they are.

Rating: Brazilian

Have ya heard that song yet? “Famous in a Small Town” by Miranda Lambert… Great song… Cheap Sweet Wine is one of those kinda people. We are trying to take advantage of the few months we have living in the same town by getting together once a week at a local restaurant for drinks and dinner… well… we WERE sitting in the restaurant the first few weeks.

Then she comes and tells me that she’s found this great bar at another restaurant where they have $1 Margaritas on Thursdays… well, you can guess where Mom’s Night Out was last week.

I’ve never sat at the bar… at a table in the bar area when the rest of the restaurant was full, yeah… but not AT THE BAR for the purposes of dinner and a drink… or two… Man, have I been missing OUT. Here are some of the highlights of the evening…

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CSW has this habit of setting her phone to vibrate and tucking it between her thighs when in a noisy place and went to do that at the bar.

S&D: Is it on vibrate?

CSW: Oops! (changes ring setting) Don’t wanna miss THAT!

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In reaction to some comment (probably angelic) from me…

CSW: I swallowed that WHOLE thanks to you!

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So we’ve ordered our first Margaritas, CSW’s is on the rocks, mine is frozen. We’re discussing the merits, why’s and wheretofore’s behind our choices and CSW says she thinks you can get drunk faster if it is on the rocks. We decide to ask the bartenders when one comes back by…

Brandon the Bartender: “You get drunk faster on the rocks – unless you get off on a brain freeze…”

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Further discussion of the Margaritas brings up the one CSW had last week… remember? The one with the really yummy rim?

CSW: (licks the rim of her Margarita glass) Nope, doesn’t taste like last week’s… Next time Tim comes, I’m gonna tell him about the lime rim.

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CSW’s husband texted her a couple times during the evening. After she had responded to him once…

CSW: (puts the phone back between her thighs) Let’s put it back here and see what happens!
[May I add that S&D said, and I quote: Your problem is that you don't have it high enough! --Cheap Sweet Wine]

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As these little bloggable bits keep popping up in the course of really rather normal conversation … ok, normal for us and really NOTHING that should be ending up in these rather risque one liners… we discussed who does the majority of the writing here…

S&D: (said defensively) I can write, I just don’t usually…

CSW: Last week you were begging me to do it!

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Sitting at the bar gives you a good view of the ‘drink makings’ lined up at the back and you hear the orders of other patrons etc. As someone was getting a shot of something, gee, was that us? I asked CSW if she’d ever had a B52 (layered drink of Kahlua, Irish Cream, and Grand Marnier that tastes like chocolate).

She said no, so I asked TimandBrandon to make her one. She looks at this layered shot when they sat it down in front of her and asked me how to drink it. It was a pretty big shot glass so I’m explaining that she really needs to get all the layers in her mouth to get the full flavor…

CSW: You want me to take all of this in my mouth and swish it? I’m not sure I can take it all in!

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We had a seriously good time, lots of laughter, some serious moments, and the bartenders seemed amused.

S&D: Man, you’re gonna have a reputation around here at this rate… I won’t, I’m moving!

CSW: I only have a reputation at the town’s football games!

S&D: It’s like the song… Everyone Dies Famous in a Small Town…

CSW: What song is that, I haven’t heard it…

S&D: You’re LIVING it honey!

Rating: Granny

“I can’t pull my pants down without thinking of you*,” I say to Swears & Drinks this morning. When we catch our breath, S&D’s says “When you [do something really publicly known] I am putting a hit man on you. They will find this blog and it will be on the news and they will know who your friends are!”

I pulled into S&D’s home town last evening and we hit the bar. What follows are minor episodes we wish to recall…

Swears & Drinks: Why is it when we had the body, we didn’t know what to do with it? Oh man, now that I know I would pay money to have the body. What happened to us? Okay, two years, let’s hit a Trace Adkins concert. Let’s put the kids in school and work out all day.

Cheap Sweet Wine: So we didn’t get to shake our ass on the hood of White Snake’s car… Trace Adkins 2008 baby.

*Okay, there is a story behind this. It involves pants, stretch marks and hooking a long fingernail into one, drawing blood. Really, that’s enough said.

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S&D: The other morning, I was so ready. I was so ready it was a good thing I had nothing requiring batteries. I was thinking “Cheap Sweet Wine so needs to be here right now; I am so ready.” As I looked on in horror which devolved into laughter, I grabbed her pointed index finger and said, “Did you hear what you just said?!? Out loud?”

She gasps through the tears, “I can’t open my mouth when I’m around you. Brazilian! I am so ready for the Brazilian!”

We were drinking martinis this night: Sour Apple and an Almond Joy. It would seem that S&D’s gastric enjoyment extends beyond Indian.

“Potent cherry,” she sighs while pulling the stem from her lips.

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Cheap Sweet Wine: I finally finished The Red Tent. If I hadn’t thought it was worth it, the last few pages made the book. It was beautiful. It touched me. I don’t get touched often.

S&D: LIAR!!

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CSW: Is this where my heart is? It hurts. Wonder what it is — must be my breasts saying they want implants. I’m too young for heartburn, which isn’t really in your heart, is it?

S&D: You are *so* not too young for heartburn!

CSW: O.Kay. then.

Tonight, she clears the air:

CSW: The 7yo drags over the neighbors to meet us today. I look BAD. I do not look good.

S&D: You LIE!

CSW: You’re forgiven for the heartburn comment.

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CSW: This margarita is sub-par, I mean, really sub-par, but there is something in the salt. (Licks the rim.)

S&D: (head spinning, looks amazed at waitress) Did you SEE that?!? (Laughing very out loud)

CSW: I’m telling you, there is something in the salt. (lick)

S&D: You are gonna make me spew!

CSW: I just wanna lick it. Do you wanna lick this side?

S&D: So we can have *two* women licking it?

CSW: Laughing. You should. I think they dipped the rim in lime and then in the green salt. Yum. For this, I could have two sub-par margaritas.

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CSW: I have been trying for a month to write the “I’m not bothered” Meme. I think of things and think, “Nope. That bothers me. I am a very bothered woman.”

S&D: Hot and bothered.

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Drinks and Swears and I have been taking turns being the Designated Driver. Last night I was up. Or down. However you want to look at it. At the end of the night, S&D says, “A margarita and a Diet Coke — I so want your life!”

When the check came, I spent time calculating the tip and then a good 5 minutes looking for where to sign. I said, “What kind of receipt is *this* without a line to sign on? I mean, where does the tip go?” And we ruminated on the sorry state of receipts these days until I guess it hit Swears & Drinks: Have you even given them a CARD yet?

CSW: Uh, no. *So* glad you caught me before I just signed this, penned in the tip and walked off.

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As we were driving home, we were discussing items of great import. I mean, import. Like Iraq. And immigration.

I yawn. Out of the blue, S&D says, “I so shoulda been the designated driver.”

CSW: No way. That was just a yawn. I’m thinking *deep thoughts,* here, S&D.

S&D: Laughing crazily, “Yeah but you just missed my road. You’re driving to *your* house.”

CSW: Oh. Deep thoughts and all.

What was in that salt rim?!?

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Should end with the fact that we were seated next to two great-bodied young gals. Who had not one bit of fun. No laughing. No great conversation. No considering the fact that what the world really needs is another blog: a sexpert blog.

You can have the body but knowledge takes time.