Rating: Bikini

Swears and Drinks: Hey Ladies.

Cheap Sweet Wine: Hola.

Mrs. Thong: Hi!

S&D: This parish here… I bet there is NO WAY God would let us move here.

CSW: Now wait a minute. You’re not in Catholic mecca anymore are you? I’m not following.

S&D: Nope, we are in the city with perpetual adoration at the parish AND four hours of scheduled confession. Honey, I toured the church today. And talked to the head of the bulding committee which also happened to be my realtor and girl.friend. We ALL want to live here. Trust me on this.

Irish priest. VERY VERY conservative.

CSW: He’s just gonna move once you get there. Catholic karma.

S&D: He just got here within the last two years and LOVES it here.

CSW: So did *my* friend in C_____… sounding vaguely familiar…

S&D: Shut. up. (sob)

CSW: Grinning. He does sound excellent. I want him. (Can you say that about a priest?)

S&D: Well I just had to delete ‘I’d have his babies.”

MT: Laughing.

CSW: Oh. Man. That priest on the coke commercial. (CMGW). Be still my heart.

S&D: Laughing.

MT: That was funny! Father Whatawaste.

S&D/CSW: Rolling.

CSW: Hysterical, wasn’t it? Don’t ask me how many times I’ve watched it.

S&D: Seriously, small parish. Who would’a thunk it but un.real. parish. Seriously active. Honestly my best reaction is “I’m SO not worthy” to borrow a great line from a friend.

CSW: I am going downright quotable. People have been using purpose driven drinking. I have GOT to trademark that. Laughing. I‘m gonna put it on the forums.

MT/S&D: Laughing.

CSW: I don’t care if they trace my ass all the way back to CMGW.

S&D: LOLOL

MT: Speaking of CMGW….

CSW: Yes? Need an edit?

MT: Maybe a few details…?

CSW: I’m a dork. But… I don’t think it matters.

S&D: I love you to pieces, you change, I hunt you down.

MT: You have a gift for witty comedy.

CSW: I have a gift for putting my foot in my mouth. It works.

S&D: Not. (said the woman who said she’d pay money to see *CSW* in the room with the Pope a la GWB)

CSW: Every thing I say sounds like I’m asking you to sleep with me.

S&D/MT: Rolling.

CSW: We really *are* good friends.

S&D: What do I have to do (singing) to make you sleep with me… um… talk? Laughing.

S&D: One of the ladies tonight at dinner said ‘I love your stories, you are so animated.’

CSW: *What* were you eating?

S&D: Howling. I said “Thank you” and thought “You aren’t the first to say that.”

MT: Rolling.

S&D: Salad; praise God. She has no. i.dea.

CSW: I am so laughing out loud.

S&D: You want ANIMATED? Got Indian?

MT: Meg Ryan. When Harry Met Sally.

CSW: Totally enjoy that scene.

MT: One of the best scenes of all time.

S&D: Absolutely.

CSW: How do you think I learned to fake … inhaling?

S&D/MT: Laughing!

MT: Thought you didn’t need to fake. Grin.

— Salacious bits removed to protect much loved husbands –

Yeah, “If you have to ask, baby, I didn’t have one.”

No. kidding. It doesn’t HAVE to happen all the time.

No, it doesn’t. But if it’s a pattern, DO. Something.

Although someone said something recently about if you couldn’t do so and so for 20 minutes (talking about sex) like that was a minimum and I didn’t say anything but I was thinking DAMN 20 whole minutes? Man I wanna be YOU when I grow up.

I can honestly say I’ve never faked one. I figure if I do he won’t try any harder than he is.

Hilarious.

Sex for 20 minutes? Is that what they were saying?

Yeah or foreplay or something …

Catholic Church and my peak? It’s been ….

You GO girl.

DO NOT count your money in front of a poor man.

I am howling.

Well, when I do get it…it is GOOD…. but that is just because it is been so long, I can’t remember enough to compare.

HOWLING

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, conversation, bikini

Rating: Bikini

Swears & Drinks: Cheap Sweet Wine is cursing me…

Cheap Sweet Wine: Happily. As I said, you never, never should have introduced me to sour apple martinis. And melon martinis. I may be unable to spell much longer, but sour apple martinis… yum.

S&D: Making them at home are ya?

CSW: Yeah. Although think they’ll be better from scratch rather than mixer.

Mrs. Thong: I have never tried any martini, much less sour apple…

CSW: Oh. Girl. Start with melon if you like sweet things. And really. Who doesn’t?

S&D: Ha. Oh sour apple martinis are too smooth for your own good. I was at the Y today, and CSW is gonna prove those women RIGHT about good Catholics.

CSW: I’m sure. However, this one is so potent, I’m quite sure if you stick around I’ll go “bloggable” on you.

S&D: Hilarious.

CSW: Tell me about the Y.

S&D: This one woman, a good friend, very nice, said how she knew these ‘good Catholics’ … and it sure sounded directly linked to them being ‘good drinkers.’

CSW: Laughing, but of course.

MT: Did you tell her about a great blog you “found”?

CSW: Oh man. We’re doing fine on hits without passing it out. And Mrs. Thong…. let me tell you. There is NO SUCH THING as a DIY Brazilian. You would have to have cojones, girl. Yesterday was my day. Ouch. Needed much Tequila.

S&D: Laughing!

MT: My sister does it herself too.

CSW: Your own DIY Brazilian? Man. You *are* the woman.

S&D: Ouch. To you BOTH.

CSW: Ack. No way.

CSW: Worth every penny of $90. Where is DTGS tonight?

S&D: Don’t know, was she having trouble with her computer?

Drinks the Good Stuff: Hello ladies!

S&D: Look what the cat dragged in.

CSW: There you go. Hey girl. Just talkin’ bout you. S&D asked if you were havin’ computer trouble and I was saying, “Not so much she can’t back talk on the forums.”

DTGS: Laughing.

CSW: And btw… I am near to not being able to spell. Sour apple martinis. I need LATITUDE.

S&D: <—- bad influence

CSW: Oh yeah you are.

S&D: But you looooooooooooooove me.

CSW: Yes I do, dear. Anyone who turns me on to THIS is a Good. Girl. Just do not let me post to CMGW like this.

S&D: At LAST, a booze rec. she likes.

CSW: Took you long enough.

S&D: Yeah, let me see if I can post this…. CSW says she drinks but doesn’t swallow.

CSW: Laughing!

S&D: And hey, if you think that sounds iffy… I nearly didn’t say drinks, and thought whoa, that would sound BAD!

CSW: Too funny.

DTGS: Just put up a blog entry. On plants.

CSW: Love [plants]. Only discovered them in [foreign country] where they are RARE, RARE, RARE.

DTGS: Expensive expensive expensive?

CSW: Very. We just usually stole them from the neighbors. No, I found some at a flea market once for about $19.

DTGS: Well I spent almost $200 on [plants] but there were a LOT of them most of them were bare root.

CSW: NO IDEA what bare root means.

DTGS: Well you can buy them in pots

CSW: However, like I told the others, yesterday was Brazilian day and bare root sounds painful today.

DTGS: With dirt on the roots or you can buy them with all of the dirt taken off the roots.

S&D: Ouch, tell me about it.

DTGS: Laughing.

CSW: I don’t buy things that you plant outdoors, as a matter of course. You sound very informed to me.

DTGS: LOL…that’s great.

S&D: Ouch again.

CSW: Jose, baby. I’ll drive. And hold your hand if you want.

S&D: Hell, from the sound of it I may fly home.

CSW: But he’ll like it; you won’t, and you’ll be doing it again. Laughing!

S&D: Come RIGHT OFF THE TABLE!

DTGS: Hold my hand? Like I am going to want COMPANY?

S&D: No kidding.

DTGS: I think not.

CSW: Depends on how much you’ve had to drink.

S&D: You can go lay on your own couch of intense pain.

CSW: On Wiki, they linked to a video of “the moment.”

S&D: OH. Ouch.

CSW: Some people actually had friends with them.

S&D: No. way.

CSW: Okay. I can NOT do that, but whatever gets you through.

S&D: Don’t worry; I do NOT want company. Heck, I want to manage not to be IN my own body, my own self.

CSW: My little French woman was very good. And it STILL hurt like hell.

DTGS: It ain’t the pain that has me worried.

S&D: How many miles do they hear you screaming? It is ALL about the pain. ALL.

CSW: Laughing. I don’t scream. I’m Southern through and through. “Oh no, honey, I’m fine.” This French lady though, knew her business. Almost worth flying out for, gals.

S&D: That is one expensive wax…

DTGS: LOL….like I would sell that to my husband.

CSW: Oh. I bet you could. $200 ticket for $100 wax job = one helluva night. Probably could.

DTGS: Laughing! No way.

S&D: Hilarious.

CSW: Effing way.

DTGS: Why the hell should I pay all that money when I could get a massage? Those hurt too if you get ‘em done right.

CSW: See, never had a massage. Never.

DTGS: I tell ‘em to hurt me too.

CSW: S&M massage? Okay.

S&D: Yeah, whole ‘nother blog.

DTGS: Therapeutic massage.

CSW: Need to see it. I will have to get a massage in [next spa weekend town].

S&D: Love massages.

DTGS: Oh now you’re talking dirty.

CSW: Cracking up. Husband said he’d pick up the house with the kids the other day and I said, “Baby, that’s like talking dirty to me.”

S&D: No kidding.

CSW: Exactly. Massages. Men cleaning houses. What more do you need?

DTGS: Well they do say watching a man do dishes is erotic.

CSW: Who watches? I come talk to y’all.

DTGS: Well I don’t watch my husband do ‘em either.

CSW: But if “they” say, then maybe I’m missing something… I’ll mention it for foreplay tomorrow night.

DTGS: Laughing!

CSW: Snorting.

DTGS: He could take out the trash too.

CSW: Oh now you’re gonna make me excited. Did you see the latest CMGW entry?

DTGS: Yes I did; we need to get together more often.

CSW: I did my best. Yeah, we do.

DTGS: That would be much better for that blog or worse, depending on your perspective.

CSW: Couple times per year would be excellent. Laughing. Worse. I didn’t even add the one about the man almost having an orgasm because I keep my phone between my thighs when I drive…

S&D: Laughing! And yes, you could come to MY house and we could go shopping…

CSW: [Blank] is a great town. We could do some serious damage there.

DTGS: Well when we first moved here, oh Lord I can’t believe I am going to say this, I can just SEE this on the blog…

CSW: Oh do.

DTGS: This was before the fast food places and the car manufacturers had synched their cups and cup holders so if you got a large drink it wouldn’t fit in the cupholder and darn it all I wanted a large drink in the summer here. I swear there were days when I thought I had frostbite on my thighs from holding those damn cups between my legs.

S&D: Laughing!

CSW: Try your phone. On vibrate. I swear EVERY time it goes off…

S&D: You light up like a Roman Candle!

CSW: Laughing out loud, S&D!

DTGS: Do you have to confess that?

Postscript: Y’all so owe me. Do you have any idea how hard this was to upload on the equivalent of 4 martinis? Good Catholic my ass…

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, humor, conversation, bikini

Rating: Bikini

Back from another visit to Swears and Drinks’ hacienda. We were only able to get together once this time, but we made the most of it. When she wasn’t available, I hit the liquor drive thru. Those boys in there will point you to the good stuff.

I arrived at the airport and proceeded to the rental agencies to pick up my very sensible moderate or full-sized sedan. These people know me, however. The agent has the audacity to tell me that the whole lot is available (all the while dragging me toward a red 2007 Mustang) and suggests I pick one. I believe I just said, “That.”

S&D and I raced down the back roads for a while but then we had to head into town.

The downside to living in a college town is the abundance of kids with young bodies. However, it was very pleasant when we both looked at this college gal skating down the sidewalk — hate her on principle — and then surveying the scene at the red light, S&D drawls, “But do notice who that male hottie is staring at. We may be older, but we have more money.”

Dinner was a steak place with great martinis and nice dining. We laughed a bit too loudly (of course) and enjoyed our own brand of humor which is actually kind of hard to put down here for you people who missed out on it. But I do try. In my spare time. And every last one of you knows what I should be doing. But there should always be time for snippets of good friends and humor.

Perusing the menus, we were discussing my new swimming pool (can’t wait for the parties there, gang) and the fact that I do not swim. S&D remarked that she has a daughter like that. We’ve got mechanics but lack a certain other mojo to keep us afloat (Sometime must tell you about almost drowning at Destin in sight of a kid on a floating raft. Sigh.)

“I can swim, I just don’t like my head to get wet,” S&D says.

“I just don’t like to be wet.” says I, without the aid of any alcohol. Without looking up from the menu, I whisper, “That didn’t sound so good, did it?” You think we were laughing prior to that … think again.

Moving on, somehow smoking came up. Now, I have smoked. Can you waitress and not? However I didn’t do it often nor very well. S&D tells me that she hasn’t smoked. Well, she’s put a cigarette up to her lips but she didn’t inhale. No really. She said she faked it. And I’m the Miss Goody Goody of our group? Right. She only fakes inhaling.

Speaking of faking it, I had forgotten that occasionally S&D can display quite the performance if her dinner is exceptional. One bite of her steak and I was compelled to remark, “Not fakin’ that one are ya?” She said, “You should see me with Indian.”

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, humor, conversation, bikini

Rating: Bikini

It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long

Rating: Bikini

Why am I the only one having utterly embarrassing moments throughout my day, every day?

I think it was one of the gals here who told me about Diamant’s The Red Tent. Today I stop by the library to check it out. The card catalog states that it is located in “Adult Paperback.” Right. I’m thinking, “Adult paperback? Is that like in a seedy room in the back?”

Nevertheless I am undaunted and go in search of the Adult paperback section. I happen upon the spinning carousel of “adult” paperbacks in the Harlequin Romance vein and think, “No… can’t be.” It wasn’t.

I have now traveled around our library three times thinking “I can not ask where this is. I’ll grab the large print version first,” but I can’t bring myself to deprive those with poor eyesight of a book solely because I would rather not ask about adult paperbacks.

Then I figure that maybe it’s not the kind of “adult” I was thinking even though I’m already aware this is a controversial book on our forums. It must just be to distinguish it from Hank the Cowdog paperbacks for kids.

I summon my courage and walk up to the only library worker in sight… fifteen-ish year old boy. “Excuse me, I’m looking for The Red Tent. It says it’s in ‘Adult paperback,’ but I just don’t know where that is.”

He leads me back to the very back of the library (I’m thinking there is something risqué here) and hands me the book. I smile, thank him and I am out of there.

As I walk to my car, I notice that my white button down blouse is unbuttoned at the top where it most certainly should be buttoned. Good grief. Certainly not gaping open, but mortifying nonetheless.

I am not certain that I have what it takes to make it in a small town, but I do know that moving could not come at a better time.

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, real life, bikini

Rating: Bikini

Friends don’t let friends order ouzo. Okay? You ladies knew exactly what that was and when I asked, told me, and I quote, “Google it.” It didn’t sound so bad, but mixed with Bacardi 151 in something called a Vulcan Mind Probe, it is b.a.d.

So everything I knew didn’t come out my mouth, but then again, the next thing I said was, “That is not going to be my favorite. I’ll try an Orgasm. Those are more my flavors.”

Amaretto, Bailey’s, Kahlua, and Cream. Oh now that is a drink Cheap Sweet Wine can get into. Y’all should’ve been there.

Actually, anyone should have been there. I decided to go for a walk along our lake last night. It was cold and I found myself surrounded by these blazingly annoying gulls. Or little white birds. Whatever. As I head back to my car, I’m conveniently parked by our bar.

I walk in and ask, “Can I order up here?” So I set myself down at the bar and voilà, I’m having soup, a Vulcan Mind Probe and an Orgasm.

I met a lovely older man who offered to buy me a drink. After what I’d just had, I knew I couldn’t take another sip, so I told him “No thanks.” He asked if I worked and I said, “No,” to which he looked surprised.

“You don’t work?”

“No. I’m married.”

To this he looked horrified and stammered, “I’m married too. Very married. 43 years married.”

I realized that I do not know how to “do” the bar scene. I smiled and told him, “Yes, my point is that I don’t work; he does.” From there we were able to have a much more calm conversation.

So relaxing as it was to be out, sans kids, I find that I truly require a chaperone.

And I will maintain that as my friends you really, really, should have told me what I was getting into long before I got cute and ordered something up from Greece.

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, personal, bikini

Rating: Bikini

Cheap Sweet Wine tells QUITE the story. She told me that her eldest (Heartbreaker) had made these….well….rosaries for her youngest two (Sweet Stuff and Center of the Universe). The way she tells it they are just so gaudy and garish that you want to swing them from your hip like a streetwalker and you simply CAN’T use them to pray in public. (must be some GirlsRaisedInTheSouth thing) [insert sound track] bum da da dum da da dum. I said “What’s the matter you just add a Mary Magdalene medal and use them that way.”

Ahhh…..it turns out that Heartbreaker has a couple of important details that Cheap Sweet Wine left OUT of her rendition of the Mary Magdalene strut….I mean story. It seems that she was going to buy less sparkly (and cheaper) beads but Cheap Sweet Wine insisted on getting the “good stuff.”

At least it was the good stuff. Sweet Stuff and Center of the Universe still can’t use them to pray in public though. Not because they are too sparkly but because I can’t look at them without breaking into uncontrollable giggles.

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Site Search Tags: drinks the good stuff, bikini

Rating: Bikini (for video content)

So any gags at your place? My husband tried to pull one over on me that my computer had been hacked, but he didn’t realize how deep the techno goes. One look and it was all over.

To tell you what I did to him, I’m reminiscing a bit: I married a man who wears many hats: doctor, cowboy, etc.. He was a bad boy — dating every girl in sight and riding his Virago — when I met him at 18, but I kinda liked him that way. We fell in love on that bike.

I didn’t realize that he was also a tough boy because you’ll never quite know it. He was the boys’ drinking buddy because if they got in a scrape at the pool hall … they wanted him handy.

So, for April Fool’s day, I changed the ringtone on his phone. Now when I call, he hears:

As Good As I Once Was by Toby Keith

Video here. And it’s hilarious.

I ain’t as good as I once was
My how the years have flown
But there was a time, back in my prime
When I could really hold my own
But if you wanna fight tonight
Guess those boys don’t look all that tough
I ain’t as good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was

I used to be hell on wheels
Back when I was a younger man
Now my body says, “You can’t do this boy”
But my pride says, “Oh yes you can”

I ain’t as good as I once was
That’s just the cold hard truth
I still throw a few back, talk a little smack
When I’m feelin’ bulletproof
So don’t double dog dare me now
‘Cause I’d have to call your bluff

I ain’t as good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was…

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Site Search Tags: bikini, cheap sweet wine, video, humor,

The post rating system is a voluntary system. The ratings given by each author are intended to provide you with advance information so you can decide for yourself which entries are appropriate for reading.*

Click to advance to Catholic Moms Gone Wild.

Granny
(If you still wear your mommy’s panties, please exit immediately.)

Bikini
(Mildly risqué, however Cheap Sweet Wine can type it without blushing.)

Thong
(If you think thongs are for feet, but could be convinced otherwise…give it a try.)

Commando
(The naked truth)

Brazilian
(We never should’ve said that!)

*And all in good fun, of course.

Rating: Bikini

Drinks and Swears: We need pseudonyms though…
Cheap Sweet Wine: For all those double entendres, yes.
Drinks and Swears: [She] can be Mrs Drinks-A-Lot.

Drinks and Swears: I could be Mrs Swears-A-Bunch
Mrs. Thong: I can be Mz wets her pants from laughing
Drinks and Swears: Mrs Wets-R-Pants
Cheap Sweet Wine: That’s not sexxy.
Drinks and Swears: ROFL
Mrs. Thong: It might be to some……….

Drinks and Swears: Like Swears and Drinks is? Name another vice, I have plenty. Pick one. And we need one for [Cheap Sweet Wine].
Cheap Sweet Wine: It might be to some…hilarious!

Mrs. Thong: Mrs. Goody Goody.
Drinks and Swears: YES!
Cheap Sweet Wine: Now I ask you — is THAT sexy?
Drinks and Swears: Mrs Prissy Pants is sexy.

Cheap Sweet Wine: I can’t even imagine the entendre with that and not sure I want to. Maybe I am Miss Goody Goody.
Drinks and Swears: Yeah think so dear.
Mrs. Thong: Prissy Pants.

Cheap Sweet Wine: Oh I know… Cheap wine something.

Drinks and Swears: Sweet Cheap Wine.
Cheap Sweet Wine: That’s it.

Drinks and Swears: Mrs Cheap Drunk?
Mrs. Thong: Mrs. Arguing and Confused?
Cheap Sweet Wine: That’s not. :::stern look girl:::
Mrs. Thong: Sweet n’ Sour?

Cheap Sweet Wine: What are ya’ll’s handles? I like Swears and Drinks. Is that for T or A? Oh gosh. I just said T&A.

Drinks and Swears: Stop. I’m gonna pee my pants. Yep, Mrs. Wets Her Pants.

Cheap Sweet Wine: Sexy to some….

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