Rating: Brazilian

If you don’t read our message boards, this bit will not be coherent. We offer it for The Regulars. (However this article is what is in view.)

Cheap Sweet Wine: Can I say, nay, can I complain that reading “my God” in the context of “The “God” that you rejected is not my God, either.” is like nails on chalkboard? (One of the remaining figures of speech Weird #1 permits.)

Swears & Drinks: Oh. yes. ma’am. God does NOT come with personal pronouns. Where DID you read this?

CSW: Our boards.

S&D: Dare I go there?

CSW: Oh I’m having no trouble not posting, but I wanted to feel closer to you, so I complained.

S&D: Rolling.

S&D: If it is intimacy that we need here, let’s cut straight to _____.

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S&D: Aren’t you glad I shared my opinion ?

CSW: Yes I am. That’s why you’re my drinking buddy. We’ll have to share with TimandBrandon just how right we are. All the time.

S&D: Laughing. A.men. Just hand over the hand-mixed margarita, baby, and no one gets hurt.

CSW: That’s my line. Yours is “She’s paying. I’ll take the cheap stuff.”

S&D: Laughing. On the rocks. Tastes bettah that way.

CSW: Yes it does! So glad I was with you. One shouldn’t continue frozen when there are rocks to be had. Ahem.

S&D: HOW.LING. A.men. You are SUCH a bad influence. Bringing back things that I had left back in my Baptist days. I owe you. Big. time.

---

S&D: You are CATHOLIC; of COURSE you are annoying some people!

CSW: True that.

S&D: Welcome to my world.

CSW: I know. Wondering what is the step down from Forum Hammer… Forum Screwdriver… Ah. The Forum Shrew.

S&D: Well better that than the Forum Screw, ahem, which WOULD be the short form.

---

CSW: Okay… when you want to look up your Yahoo history (no reason really… whistling), where is it?

S&D: Yahoo history. I have no. clue.

CSW: I see that… where? Geez.

S&D: You are my techno friend.

CSW: I ask you ONE tech question.

S&D: Grinning.

CSW: Fine. I shall return with answers. (She flies off in cape.)

S&D: Just remember Techno Hero, lycra is NOT our friend.

CSW: Found it. Cue Wonder Woman soundtrack.

S&D: Wonder Woman soundtrack cued. Volume modulated.

CSW: Go to “Conversation.” Then “Preferences.” Then see if you see “View Archives.”

S&D: Oh DUH. You mean how to view yahoo IM history? Good GRIEF. I knew that. I thought you meant yahoo search/page history. Come ON woman. Specifics.

CSW: Okay. She gets all uppity now.

S&D: Whatdja need it for?

CSW: Wondering how it worked.

S&D: Oh.

CSW: You know how if you Copy & Paste it, you lose some?

S&D: It will save conferences and IM text. Yeah.

CSW: If you talk long enough, it falls off.

S&D: HOWLING. Really.

CSW: Oh stop it! We are not drinking tonight. Okay. I have a pale ale.

S&D: I’m SO laughing. You DO NOT.

CSW: Yes, she does.

S&D: Man, that fridge SO goes in my closet.

CSW: It should!

S&D: Is that the orange kind? What was it, blue moon?

CSW: Uh… It’s in a brown bottle. But peeking in, it looks kinda orangeish. Like I know.

S&D: Rolling.

CSW: Last time I had one it was in a CLEAR glass at the end of 4 amaretto sours, 2 margaritas and I *think* two martinis. So I have NO eff-ing CLUE what color it was.

S&D: Laughing. I SO can’t wait, you are so bad for me. Who KNEW sitting at the bar was this much fun? That was my FIRST TIME.

CSW: I am, I am. No kidding.

S&D: Bar. Virgin.

---

S&D: Boy is that thread raising the hackles.

CSW: I hear you. It’s a temptation.

S&D: Yes. But would it be a near occasion of sin, or a spiritual act of mercy, and how bad is THAT, to wonder?

CSW: Oh I just mean temptation to post. I’m sure one of us could find it in us to be nice. You go for it. You have no pale ale.

S&D: Laughing; yeah. Think about that: ‘more. mellow. on. booze.’

CSW: Don’t you know that cracked them up for the first two hours? That was us. Mellow.

S&D: Laughing; I know!

CSW: I thought he might be kicking us out when he came up and told us it was a family restaurant and to stop looking at midget porn.

S&D: Rolling; I know. Me too. That was funny.

CSW: They know how to get us back in there.

S&D: Yeah, dangle the hand-mixed; load up the salt rim…

CSW: Absolutely. Oh. They *were* responsive, weren’t they?

S&D: Oh yes ma’am. Very.

---

CSW: Just for your mild enjoyment.

S&D: Oh I SAW this. Is that not a riot? A chalk stud makes people pregnant. Sigh. LOVE that theology…

CSW: That is some kind of chalk.

S&D: Ok, if women of a certain weight should not wear hip huggers and tight shirts, then this is WAY wrong. I mean what happened to common sense and self preservation instinct? Hell, I don’t even do CARTWHEELS anymore and I don’t weigh no 500 lbs.

CSW: Well, at 500lbs. one might reasonably argue that self preservation was dispensed with long, long ago.

S&D: True dat.

CSW: No kidding. Last time I did a cartwheel I hurt for days. Laughing; I mean it though.

S&D: And jumping on the trampoline? Oh that is SO wrong…

CSW: Hey now. Last time I did that was…lessee…2003. That wasn’t too bad, but I have, to put it politely, no breasts.

S&D: The girls wanted me to show them something when we got ours years go… and I did ONE jump and said ok, no more; that is SO not happening. It wasn’t the breasts… I don’t do enough kegels.

CSW: Rolling!

S&D: Ahem; tmi. Note to self… get right on that…

CSW: That was too funny.

S&D: Bad, that was bad.

CSW: Yeah. Must do kegels. Good for things other than tramps. (olines…)

S&D: HOWLING. Yeah they are.

Rating: Granny

You know, Swears and Drinks and Drinks the Good Stuff should know better than to get together without us…

(Oh, I don’t think this can be read in one sitting; it can be said in one sitting but otherwise, it is way too long…)

Mrs. Thong: Are you there?

Cheap Sweet Wine: Hey girlfriend! I am.

MT: Haven’t been on all day except to post.

CSW: I haven’t talked to anyone either.

MT: So, what is up with you? What did you get done today? Grin.

CSW: Not a thing. I decided it was a conspiracy that no one was online today so *I* would not be distracted. Lessee… I got my room done and most of the laundry. Lot of paperwork and a lot of depression when it hit me that I have to clean the fridge and freezer for the movers.

Hey is it the weekend? Cause I said I wasn’t drinking until then, but… Laughing.

MT: Grin … I was contemplating a margarita myself.

CSW: OH! Love it. I’m back with Gewurz… not spelled correctly I’m sure.

MT: I looked for that yesterday…. don’t have it at my store.

CSW: What about the grocery? I mean, it’s just at my regular grocery. Do you like sweet or more dry wines? No idea why I’m asking… I’ll tell you the Fetzer is dry and you’ll get it and say “Sweet!”

MT: Grin.

CSW: Well, DTGS likes it. I guess that’s a recommendation. Although she recommended Nobilo and I can’t drink that to save my life. Okay, I did drink it once and didn’t remember a bloomin’ thing the next day.

MT: I lean toward sweet.

CSW: Me too. But not as sweet as strawberry wine?

MT: I have just finally admitted to myself that I don’t like reds. No, not that sweet. Laughing. Hang on, getting booze. Too lazy for margarita — Pinot Grigio.

CSW: Does it matter the label too much? I guess it does. HOW do you know good wine, for crying out loud?

MT: Wanna know my two favorites? Grin.

CSW: Yes, I do!

MT: Don’t you dare tell those two wine snob friends of ours.

CSW: Puh-leeze. If you’re doing anything above strawberry wine, you’re golden.

MT: They are both Reuniti lables. Laughing.

CSW: See? I don’t even know that’s supposed to be bad. I guess they’re just cheaper and popular?

MT: Uh, yeah; just one notch above wine in a box.

CSW: Laughing OUT Loud.

CSW: I have been told that Principato Rosato, served at the Olive Garden, is supposedly good and it’s mostly cheap. Hey, isn’t there a song… Reuniti makes you feel so nice, or something like that? Grin.

MT: The advertisement jingle, from the commercials.

CSW: That’s as much of wine as I know. Commercials. If I didn’t have help, I’d be drinking freeze-dried coffee too. I seriously lack class. I just try to hide it.

MT: Yeah, Swears and Drinks and Drinks the Good Stuff have not been good for my pocket book; they got me hooked on good tea. And my Amazon bill tripled.

CSW: No. Kidding. But I bought the freakin’ expensive teapot. And the expensive tea and I STILL DON’T LIKE IT. I think I’m hopeless.

MT: Laughing. Which pot? The one with the gold filter?

CSW: Hmm… you would ask. Yes, definitely a gold filter. I was NOT worthy of a gold filter. But I own it. Because *I* have more money than sense.

MT: Laughing. I have always liked tea…. just was blissfully unaware that what I drank was the crap of the tea world.

CSW: Lipton’s?

MT: Yep; dh still uses Lipton’s for his iced. Even though I bought him some lovely loose Irish Breakfast.

CSW: Who doesn’t? That’s good stuff. Grin. I freak DTGS out with sweet tea. I’m thinking, what do you EXPECT? I was raised in the South!

MT: Laughing. I know, in the big pitcher A. uses two cups of sugar! (He is from TN)

CSW: And with a gold filter… I mean, what’s not to love? Don’t all rough and ready men wake up and think, “Ah. Lovely loose Irish breakfast tea in a gold filter…”

Rating: Granny

The following is not coherent. To protect the innocent, we must have it this way. (And also more than half is missing because Yahoo does not preserve the entire conversation if you talk as long as we.)

Cheap Sweet Wine: Oh! Swears and Drinks, guess what I’m drinking and LIKING?

Swears and Drinks: What??

CSW: Fetzer Gewürztraminer. Grinning.

S&D: Oh isn’t that YUMMY? It’s one of my faves.

CSW: It is now. Hated it before. I think I’m going classy on you.

S&D: Grin. That’s how it works girl…

[severely cut-off portion of IM.]

S&D: I’m notorious for embarrassing friends. Cheap Sweet Wine would probably call it “mushrooming.”

Mrs. Thong: Indian?

S&D: Usually in Indian restaurants.

CSW: S&D is embarrassing in public.

S&D: So did you finally get it MT? About the Indian?

MT: Yeah, but trying to figure out “mushrooming…”

S&D: It happened with CSW over Portabello mushrooms on a particularly good steak.

MT: Coming from CSW, I would expect it to be scre…. something else.

CSW: Hilarious.

S&D: Laughing.

CSW: Waitaminute.

MT: Laughing.

S&D: Well that’s what you get, CSW, for not telling the story your own self.

Drinks the Good Stuff: We’ll have to eat Indian in Indiana.

S&D: Yeah, it was the funniest thing. I took a bite of that mushroom and CSW said something… can’t remember what… but she TOTALLY got it.

CSW: It’s on the blog.

DTGS: WHAT is?

CSW: I said, “Not fakin’ that one, are ya?”

DTGS: We need to write up an explanation of “Going Indian.”

S&D: Laughing.

CSW: You should, DTGS. You’ve seen it more times than I.

S&D: I can’t afford to die first in this friendship. It happens every time too. Ya’ll be sittin ’round at my funeral eating chocolate and toasting me with Roederer and laughing at my gastric orgasms.

CSW: We so need to plan a weekend.

S&D: Damn straight hon. And before I move too.

CSW: I know.

S&D: While we are most of us all there (and you fly up DTGS).

DTGS: I don’t think I can sell flying up for W’s initiation into the Church AND a mommy weekend.

S&D: So we’ll make it the same.

DTGS: Good idea.

S&D: You coming MT?

MT: To?

S&D: [State] for W’s initiation and a mommy weekend.

MT: (Yes, but where?)

CSW: Probably I__.

MT: In August?

CSW: Did W say August?

S&D: You aren’t camping in August are ya?

CSW: August is hot.

S&D: No kidding. Umbrella drinks. Grin.

CSW: You should *never* camp. In August.

DTGS: She said August. And I don’t know if she has Indian.

MT: Yes, August.

DTGS: Thai’ll work too though.

S&D: What are you people… those little white birds in Nemo?

CSW: Laughing.

S&D: August. August. August. August.

CSW: Bitch.

S&D: Thank you. Working at it today. I was entirely too good yesterday; ask MT. I’m having a relapse.

CSW: Laughing.

DTGS: Well I am a very, very good girl….on day seven of a fast.

CSW: Now, DTGS was just telling us before you got here that not a single one of us is allowed a SINGLE RELAPSE on the forums.

S&D: Yes you are a very good girl. Snort.

CSW: Whoa. I’m going to be very good. After tonight.

DTGS: You are a good girl, CSW.

CSW: (waiting for other shoe)

MT: Laughing.

DTGS: Your goodness just doesn’t encompass what you eat and drink at the moment.

Drop.

Exit Swears and Drinks.

DTGS: I think I am going to sign out too.

CSW: No…

DTGS: Okay, I will finish this blog post and then see if you two are still talking.

CSW: Whatcha working on?

DTGS: What you told me to write about.

CSW: Oh good. Okay. I’m getting close to drunk.

MT: Me too.

CSW: Oh, what are you drinking?

DTGS: I hate you both. And am coveting your drinks.

CSW: Ha, Ms. Healthy.

MT: Um, I polished off the Reisling and am now on Pinot Grigio.

CSW: Oh. Had that last night too. The party and all.

MT: I am going to get some of that stuff you are drinking next, CSW. It isn’t red, right?

CSW: Try it! No, white. Gewürztraminer.

MT: Okay, don’t like reds.

MT: How old are you two’s dh’s?

CSW: My TWO husbands?

MT: K and J, goofy!

CSW: Oh, sorry. Grin.

MT: Isn’t DTGS still here? I am drunk. I meant S, not J!

CSW: Right. Unsure on S.

DTGS: DTGS is working on her BlOG.

CSW: Cracking up. Too much wine.

MT: Way too much for me.

CSW: I hear you. Just don’t go biting or hitting. You’ll do fine.

MT: A. is pushing ___. He is not into biting or hitting anymore. <sigh> He needs some sort of something.

CSW: If only they would see a doctor!

MT: Won’t ask a) because of fragile male ego, b) because of possibility it is just age, c) because I would probably never get it again.

CSW: Which we *can not* have. There is a reason we drink.

MT: LOL! Ya know…. People say that menstruation and pain in childbirth was EVE’s punishment … the real punishment is that men’s drive would decline just as ours peaks.

CSW: Laughing.

MT: They don’t tell you THAT in Sunday School.

CSW: That is hilarious; thank God for Viagra then.

DTGS: They don’t call it the missionary position for nothin’.

CSW/MT: Rolling.

CSW: I bet some testosterone would help. I mean, that drops off too.

MT: Where can I buy that? Mexico?

DTGS: No, they have a patch for testosterone; don’t they?

MT: It was a joke.

DTGS: Oh sorry; shutting up now.

MT: Laughing.

CSW: I think they have something.

MT: I wondered at that dead silence, there.

CSW: Sorry had an email at that moment. Seriously, I’d google it. Get him a test. Of course, I could just be peaking.

DTGS: For which your husband is still young enough to be grateful.

CSW: Laughing. Uh. Yeah. He thinks the Catholic church did something to me.

MT: You were _____ before?

CSW: Laughing. Yeah.

DTGS: It did….didn’t it?

MT: It probably did!

DTGS: And I’m thinking he’s not at all ungrateful… Rolling.

CSW: He tells me that I am a Very Good Catholic Girl. Er, no. He is not ungrateful.

MT: Okay. My monitor just about got a mouthful of wine on it. Rolling.

CSW: Do not waste the wine.

DTGS: You two are too funny; I only wish I has some wine to go with yours.

MT: So…. did I tell you two my martial arts news?

CSW: No. Tell.

DTGS: No…do tell.

MT: I will be testing in front of the Grandmaster for my black belt in a few months.

CSW: Amazing!

DTGS: Wonderful!!

CSW: I had no idea you were so… impressive.

DTGS: No kidding.

MT: My current teacher has been great about progressing me and giving me credit for what I already know.

DTGS: Just think of the places we can go if she’s with us.

CSW: Downtown Chicago baby.

MT: Not impressive.

CSW: That’s great, MT. My friend can eat you.

DTGS: Well I am impressed.

CSW: I am too.

MT: Laughing: “My friend can eat you.”

CSW: Well, really.

MT: I have been working toward this for 20 years. I went to a seminar yesterday on Korean martial art weaponry. I have quarter size bruises all over my body and if I never hear the words “nerve cluster” again I will be happy.

CSW: Oh that too is impressive. I guess so. Putting “nerve cluster” on my weird number one.

MT: But it was way fun to come home and get A out of bed and practice what I learned on him. Grinning.

CSW: Oh that is very wifely of you.

MT: He hates it.

DTGS: Laughing.

CSW: Poor man. Gets beat up in his spare time.

MT: Oh, please….. he forces me to listen to him play the same song over and over while he says “Which way is better? Like this? Or this?”

CSW: Oh that’s like being at the Optometrist: “Which is clearer? #1 or #2?”

DTGS: Oh I hate that.

CSW: They’re the friggin’ same!

MT: Exactly!

CSW: Rolling. MT told *me* she could happily kill him with a screwdriver most days.

MT: SOME days, SOME! Laughing.

DTGS: I really need to get some sleep.

MT: I do too.

CSW: You CST people are all the same.

MT: CST?

DTGS: Well then MOVE damn it.

CSW: Central Standard time.

MT: Oh, duh.

CSW: Fine. I will. ‘Night all.

DTGS: You just need some sleep MT. Good night!

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, conversation, granny

Rating: Bikini

Swears & Drinks: Cheap Sweet Wine is cursing me…

Cheap Sweet Wine: Happily. As I said, you never, never should have introduced me to sour apple martinis. And melon martinis. I may be unable to spell much longer, but sour apple martinis… yum.

S&D: Making them at home are ya?

CSW: Yeah. Although think they’ll be better from scratch rather than mixer.

Mrs. Thong: I have never tried any martini, much less sour apple…

CSW: Oh. Girl. Start with melon if you like sweet things. And really. Who doesn’t?

S&D: Ha. Oh sour apple martinis are too smooth for your own good. I was at the Y today, and CSW is gonna prove those women RIGHT about good Catholics.

CSW: I’m sure. However, this one is so potent, I’m quite sure if you stick around I’ll go “bloggable” on you.

S&D: Hilarious.

CSW: Tell me about the Y.

S&D: This one woman, a good friend, very nice, said how she knew these ‘good Catholics’ … and it sure sounded directly linked to them being ‘good drinkers.’

CSW: Laughing, but of course.

MT: Did you tell her about a great blog you “found”?

CSW: Oh man. We’re doing fine on hits without passing it out. And Mrs. Thong…. let me tell you. There is NO SUCH THING as a DIY Brazilian. You would have to have cojones, girl. Yesterday was my day. Ouch. Needed much Tequila.

S&D: Laughing!

MT: My sister does it herself too.

CSW: Your own DIY Brazilian? Man. You *are* the woman.

S&D: Ouch. To you BOTH.

CSW: Ack. No way.

CSW: Worth every penny of $90. Where is DTGS tonight?

S&D: Don’t know, was she having trouble with her computer?

Drinks the Good Stuff: Hello ladies!

S&D: Look what the cat dragged in.

CSW: There you go. Hey girl. Just talkin’ bout you. S&D asked if you were havin’ computer trouble and I was saying, “Not so much she can’t back talk on the forums.”

DTGS: Laughing.

CSW: And btw… I am near to not being able to spell. Sour apple martinis. I need LATITUDE.

S&D: <—- bad influence

CSW: Oh yeah you are.

S&D: But you looooooooooooooove me.

CSW: Yes I do, dear. Anyone who turns me on to THIS is a Good. Girl. Just do not let me post to CMGW like this.

S&D: At LAST, a booze rec. she likes.

CSW: Took you long enough.

S&D: Yeah, let me see if I can post this…. CSW says she drinks but doesn’t swallow.

CSW: Laughing!

S&D: And hey, if you think that sounds iffy… I nearly didn’t say drinks, and thought whoa, that would sound BAD!

CSW: Too funny.

DTGS: Just put up a blog entry. On plants.

CSW: Love [plants]. Only discovered them in [foreign country] where they are RARE, RARE, RARE.

DTGS: Expensive expensive expensive?

CSW: Very. We just usually stole them from the neighbors. No, I found some at a flea market once for about $19.

DTGS: Well I spent almost $200 on [plants] but there were a LOT of them most of them were bare root.

CSW: NO IDEA what bare root means.

DTGS: Well you can buy them in pots

CSW: However, like I told the others, yesterday was Brazilian day and bare root sounds painful today.

DTGS: With dirt on the roots or you can buy them with all of the dirt taken off the roots.

S&D: Ouch, tell me about it.

DTGS: Laughing.

CSW: I don’t buy things that you plant outdoors, as a matter of course. You sound very informed to me.

DTGS: LOL…that’s great.

S&D: Ouch again.

CSW: Jose, baby. I’ll drive. And hold your hand if you want.

S&D: Hell, from the sound of it I may fly home.

CSW: But he’ll like it; you won’t, and you’ll be doing it again. Laughing!

S&D: Come RIGHT OFF THE TABLE!

DTGS: Hold my hand? Like I am going to want COMPANY?

S&D: No kidding.

DTGS: I think not.

CSW: Depends on how much you’ve had to drink.

S&D: You can go lay on your own couch of intense pain.

CSW: On Wiki, they linked to a video of “the moment.”

S&D: OH. Ouch.

CSW: Some people actually had friends with them.

S&D: No. way.

CSW: Okay. I can NOT do that, but whatever gets you through.

S&D: Don’t worry; I do NOT want company. Heck, I want to manage not to be IN my own body, my own self.

CSW: My little French woman was very good. And it STILL hurt like hell.

DTGS: It ain’t the pain that has me worried.

S&D: How many miles do they hear you screaming? It is ALL about the pain. ALL.

CSW: Laughing. I don’t scream. I’m Southern through and through. “Oh no, honey, I’m fine.” This French lady though, knew her business. Almost worth flying out for, gals.

S&D: That is one expensive wax…

DTGS: LOL….like I would sell that to my husband.

CSW: Oh. I bet you could. $200 ticket for $100 wax job = one helluva night. Probably could.

DTGS: Laughing! No way.

S&D: Hilarious.

CSW: Effing way.

DTGS: Why the hell should I pay all that money when I could get a massage? Those hurt too if you get ‘em done right.

CSW: See, never had a massage. Never.

DTGS: I tell ‘em to hurt me too.

CSW: S&M massage? Okay.

S&D: Yeah, whole ‘nother blog.

DTGS: Therapeutic massage.

CSW: Need to see it. I will have to get a massage in [next spa weekend town].

S&D: Love massages.

DTGS: Oh now you’re talking dirty.

CSW: Cracking up. Husband said he’d pick up the house with the kids the other day and I said, “Baby, that’s like talking dirty to me.”

S&D: No kidding.

CSW: Exactly. Massages. Men cleaning houses. What more do you need?

DTGS: Well they do say watching a man do dishes is erotic.

CSW: Who watches? I come talk to y’all.

DTGS: Well I don’t watch my husband do ‘em either.

CSW: But if “they” say, then maybe I’m missing something… I’ll mention it for foreplay tomorrow night.

DTGS: Laughing!

CSW: Snorting.

DTGS: He could take out the trash too.

CSW: Oh now you’re gonna make me excited. Did you see the latest CMGW entry?

DTGS: Yes I did; we need to get together more often.

CSW: I did my best. Yeah, we do.

DTGS: That would be much better for that blog or worse, depending on your perspective.

CSW: Couple times per year would be excellent. Laughing. Worse. I didn’t even add the one about the man almost having an orgasm because I keep my phone between my thighs when I drive…

S&D: Laughing! And yes, you could come to MY house and we could go shopping…

CSW: [Blank] is a great town. We could do some serious damage there.

DTGS: Well when we first moved here, oh Lord I can’t believe I am going to say this, I can just SEE this on the blog…

CSW: Oh do.

DTGS: This was before the fast food places and the car manufacturers had synched their cups and cup holders so if you got a large drink it wouldn’t fit in the cupholder and darn it all I wanted a large drink in the summer here. I swear there were days when I thought I had frostbite on my thighs from holding those damn cups between my legs.

S&D: Laughing!

CSW: Try your phone. On vibrate. I swear EVERY time it goes off…

S&D: You light up like a Roman Candle!

CSW: Laughing out loud, S&D!

DTGS: Do you have to confess that?

Postscript: Y’all so owe me. Do you have any idea how hard this was to upload on the equivalent of 4 martinis? Good Catholic my ass…

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, humor, conversation, bikini

Rating: Bikini

Back from another visit to Swears and Drinks’ hacienda. We were only able to get together once this time, but we made the most of it. When she wasn’t available, I hit the liquor drive thru. Those boys in there will point you to the good stuff.

I arrived at the airport and proceeded to the rental agencies to pick up my very sensible moderate or full-sized sedan. These people know me, however. The agent has the audacity to tell me that the whole lot is available (all the while dragging me toward a red 2007 Mustang) and suggests I pick one. I believe I just said, “That.”

S&D and I raced down the back roads for a while but then we had to head into town.

The downside to living in a college town is the abundance of kids with young bodies. However, it was very pleasant when we both looked at this college gal skating down the sidewalk — hate her on principle — and then surveying the scene at the red light, S&D drawls, “But do notice who that male hottie is staring at. We may be older, but we have more money.”

Dinner was a steak place with great martinis and nice dining. We laughed a bit too loudly (of course) and enjoyed our own brand of humor which is actually kind of hard to put down here for you people who missed out on it. But I do try. In my spare time. And every last one of you knows what I should be doing. But there should always be time for snippets of good friends and humor.

Perusing the menus, we were discussing my new swimming pool (can’t wait for the parties there, gang) and the fact that I do not swim. S&D remarked that she has a daughter like that. We’ve got mechanics but lack a certain other mojo to keep us afloat (Sometime must tell you about almost drowning at Destin in sight of a kid on a floating raft. Sigh.)

“I can swim, I just don’t like my head to get wet,” S&D says.

“I just don’t like to be wet.” says I, without the aid of any alcohol. Without looking up from the menu, I whisper, “That didn’t sound so good, did it?” You think we were laughing prior to that … think again.

Moving on, somehow smoking came up. Now, I have smoked. Can you waitress and not? However I didn’t do it often nor very well. S&D tells me that she hasn’t smoked. Well, she’s put a cigarette up to her lips but she didn’t inhale. No really. She said she faked it. And I’m the Miss Goody Goody of our group? Right. She only fakes inhaling.

Speaking of faking it, I had forgotten that occasionally S&D can display quite the performance if her dinner is exceptional. One bite of her steak and I was compelled to remark, “Not fakin’ that one are ya?” She said, “You should see me with Indian.”

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, humor, conversation, bikini

Rating: Thong

Swears and Drinks and I were chatting about husbands and a small quandary S&D’s has gotten her into.

Cheap Sweet Wine: Well…. if they hit you with a fee, I’d call. I’ve gotten them to waive it before just by asking.

S&D: Good idea.

CSW: You just mention that this sort of thing never happens and since you’ve been such a loyal customer, could they consider… etc.

S&D: Exactly!

CSW: We’re women, honey, work it.

S&D: Shame they can’t see cleavage over the phone.

CSW: Howling. (Oh, can I blog that?!? Puh-leeze?!?)

S&D: Laughing, yeah.

CSW: Thanks; I was taking the laugh as permission.

S&D: I hope these people realize I would never DO half the stuff I SAY.

CSW: With your cleavage and my mouth, we are going to be TROUBLE.

CSW: Oh. Man. We are NOT blogging that! I can’t believe I just said that. Laughing.

S&D: HOWLING.

CSW: I can’t see.

S&D: I’m just dying here.

CSW: Me too. Okay. Maybe we can blog that. Laughing. Very anonymously.

S&D: Man we are some kinda team huh?

CSW: I would say we feed off each other but I’m too afraid of the fallout.

S&D: Laughing out loud. See above.

CSW: I’m crying. I KNOW.

S&D: Gives fall out a whole. new. meaning.

CSW: Laughing so hard. Whew boy. You go read.

S&D: I don’t know if I can show my face there.

CSW: Well, I’m afraid I’ve had all the fun with you I can bear. I’ve got to soon jump up and go.

S&D: Okay, I need to get off myself.

CSW: Yep. And hey, in case you don’t hear it tonight… you’re a fun date. Laughing.

S&D: Smile. Thank you. So are you… or so I hear. There’s this blog…

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Site Search Tags: swears and drinks, cheap sweet wine, conversation, thong, humor

Rating: Brazilian

So I was on the phone with a friend. (No I don’t do anything “real” with my life. Look at my avatar! Does that look like a woman that cleans house!?…if only…) And she mentioned reading a post on-line concerning the morality of “Brazilians” and she went to her husband and asked, “SO. If I got a Brazilian, would you find that attractive?” The answer? “Oh YEAH!…except….I wouldn’t like the idea that someone had done it. That’s MY territory.”

Now all we have to do is figure out a way to have ‘immaculate brazilians’ or would that be ‘v irgin brazilians’? Clearly a question for a day when I’ve had a glass of the good stuff.

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Site Search Tags: drinks the good stuff, conversation, humor, brazilian

Technorati: brazilian wax, convictions

Rating: Bloomers. (so tame we are wondering why it’s on this blog and not one of our public ones.)

So I am on the phone with Cheap Sweet Wine and we are talking about the experiences we have had taking our children to confession. One of these days my middle child (Thundercloud) is going to stop provoking fits of giggles outside the confessional by learning to moderate his voice. CSW wonders what the HECK her daughter (Heartbreaker) could possibly have to confess that keeps her in the confessional so long. But that’s not what the focus of this post is about. No….leave it to us flawed moms to figure out a way to dirty our ownselves with sin while taking our children to confess theirs.

CSW confesses to becoming QUITE irritated at Heartbreaker’s lengthy examination of conscience in the back of the church and then to her politely letting about 12 people in line in front of her. CSW then went to her dh and said bad things about her pious daughter. Didn’t Dante adress this in Inferno in a little know addendum to this famous work? The Eleventh circle of hell is reserved for parents who find ways to become irritated at their children’s piety.

And please tell me that I am NOT the only one who has children that leave confession and then fight with each other in the car on the way home. I am not kidding you when I say I have said firmly…ok! ok! in the interest of not having to confess this as a lie…I hollered at them, “You will stop that bickering RIGHT THIS SECOND or I will turn this car around and you will go to confession all over again. I am certain that Father is still in the confessional and you can start out ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been FIFTEEN MINUTES since my last confession.’” They thought it was funny.

And you’ll notice I didn’t turn the car around for me to take another shot at confession after yelling at them. Deep sigh. I’m a work in progress.

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Site Search Tags: drinks the good stuff, conversation, humor, bloomers

Rating: Granny

Alright girls, fill in any details I didn’t write down. Yes, I took notes — it’s no fun if one of us doesn’t have any Type A tendencies — but I didn’t take enough notes.

Don’t feel bad, Mrs. Thong, that you couldn’t make the weekend. It’s not like we had a bang-up time because in actuality, we had several mellow moments. (okay, we did have a lot of fun.) Well, except for the day I was received into the Church. I was higher than a kite that day. Drinks the Good Stuff set me down and prescribed real wine which I told her I could only drink medicinally so she said “Fine. Drink it medicinally.”

Then over dinner with the dentist and his six children I just knew I was about to start mouthing off, because you know my mouth is uncontrollable when I’m not drinking… The hostess placed the wine bottle in front of my dinner plate and I read “Fancy Wine Name. 14.5% alcohol by content.” Excuse me? I drink cheap sweet wine which is 7.5% which is why I was drinking Drinks the Good Stuff and Swears and Drinks under the table. Long story short, the wine I’d been given in a gallon-sized goblet calmed me down until I realized that I was losing my eyesight and self control could not be far behind.

(What self-control? Now that I think about it, I’d already had Drinks the Good Stuff rifling through my lingerie drawer to bring me stockings to church — I changed my mind twice — and three pairs of shoes.)

We gals all came home that night and stayed up reading CMGW.com out loud. Halfway through, Drinks the Good Stuff says, “Look at this.” There was my name in all it’s un-pseudonym-ed glory in one of our better posts. I am quite certain I’ve not jumped up so fast ever.

What I am most particularly pleased with is that Hot Mama, who was with us for the weekend, likes my wine. She tried DTGS’s Nobilo, my Rosa Regale, and ended up drinking strawberry wine with me. I’m pretty sure DTGS and S&D were suitably appalled. I have my first corruptee.

At the end of reading CMGW.com, DTGS asked Hot Mama if it was as bad as she thought it would be. Hot Mama replied, “Oh no. It’s much worse!”

Hot Mama said that DTGS and S&D were much like she imagined them to be, but that she never imagined me this way — I think she meant funny and outgoing. Really? What do you think Mrs. Thong?

Sunday night we went to a bar — you know the kind with 101 shooters with names you can not say with a straight face or without sunglasses? We perused Silk Panties, Gorilla Tit, Green Chili, Alabama Slammer and … “Vulcan Mind Probe? What’s that?”

Drinks the Good Stuff: One drink and everything you know comes out your mouth.

I said I was coming back with my designated driver.

We discussed drinking at which Swears and Drinks professed that she really doesn’t drink that often, maybe two glasses a month?

I felt obliged to tell her that she just wasn’t using it to its full potential then. I’m a Purpose Driven Drinker. See, at least I read the Psalms. (104:15)

For whatever reason we progressed to beer, which prompted Drinks the Good Stuff to share that she uses a certain type of beer to catch snails. Snail Bait. At this, my jaw dropped and Swears and Drinks quipped “It doesn’t just work on people.”

We discussed blogging and I explained “Flagship Content.” The good stuff we can be a resource for. What people come back for, you see.

As we sat laughing like we were in junior high preparing to go out to eat, I looked at Swears and Drinks and said:

Flagship Content. Tonight I’m gonna get some.

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, conversation, granny

Rating: Brazilian

As you know, we’ve been discussing the licitness of oral stimulation and Swears and Drinks tells me it’s in the Bible. Recently, we got to sit in on a class on the Song of Solomon under the illustrious Professor O.

Unfortunately, we were the rowdy ones in the back row and may have missed all the main points.

From Bible Class, Song of Solomon Day
(“Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby, Let’s Talk About You And Me, Let’s Talk About Sex”)

3 Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my lover among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.

Swears and Drinks: There’s your verse. That’s it baby.

Drinks the Good Stuff: That’s it. What did you think the “shade” and “apples” were?

Cheap Sweet Wine: I had no idea. I worship you two. I’ve never thought about this before. I’ve sat through entire seminars on the Song of Solomon and never got oral sex out of it.

[uproarious laughter -- you don't really want to know how often this happened]

Prof: Alrighty then, how precisely is this young man like an apple tree. Unpack the simile.

Class: Stately? Strong? Tall?

Prof: Why an apple tree, then? Why not an oak? What’s an apple tree have?

Class: Fruit! Yes! Fruit!

Prof: Doing what?

Class: Dangling there…. waitaminnit.

Prof: And the beloved does what to the fruit?

Class: No fucking way.

Prof: Fucking way. And her reaction?

Class: No FUCKING way!

Fucking way.
[falling out of chair, I kid you not, laughter]

Prof: Way.

4 He has taken me to the banquet hall,
and his intention toward me was love.

Prof: They are going to the banqueting hall. Why? What’s in the banqueting hall?

Class: Food?

Prof: And?

Class: Um… drink?

Prof: Very good! Why does he take her there?

Class: Because he loves her?

Prof: It is possible to love a girl without giving her food and drink. Why do YOU take one another to the roadhouse when you’re in love?

Class: To loosen her up?

Prof: A’s all around.

5 Strengthen me with raisins,
refresh me with apples,
for I am faint with love.

Prof: Where did we last see fruit?

Class: She was… um, tasting it?

Prof: Excellent. Her attitude towards the fruit?

Class: Powerpills for the lovelorn!

Prof: Well done. Gentlemen, if a woman ever compares your testicles to raisins, there is literary precedent. Do not take offense.

Fucking Way.

Chapter Four:
11 Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride;
milk and honey are under your tongue.

Prof: So is she drooling? He thinks her spit is sweet?

Class (sullenly): There are precedents in love…

Prof: True! But there are more than one kind of lip, yes?

Class: He said “tongue”! He distinctly said “tongue!”

Prof: Ah, but aren’t there tongues on the lips both upper and lower?

Class: ???

Brilliant Sexy Female Student: I think he means the clitoris.

Prof: Head of the class.

Class: No fucking way.

Prof: Fucking way.

Fucking way.

12 You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride;
you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.

13 Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates
with choice fruits,
with henna and nard,

14 nard and saffron,
calamus and cinnamon,
with every kind of incense tree,
with myrrh and aloes
and all the finest spices…
Beloved:
16 Awake, north wind,
and come, south wind!
Blow on my garden,
that its fragrance may spread abroad.
Let my lover come into his garden
and taste its choice fruits.

Prof: She is compared to…?

Class: A locked garden.

Prof: Within which is…?

Class: Spice. And fruit.

Prof: Her attitude towards this comparison is…?

Class: Positive.

Prof: Provoking her to do what?

Class: Invoke the winds to carry the scent.

Prof: Yes, to bring her funkiness to him, inviting him to do what?

Class: Come into the garden…

Prof: Which metaphorizes what?

Class: No fucking way.

Prof: Fucking way. What does she want him to do there?

Class (resigned): Eat the fruit.

Prof: Go and do likewise. See you Thursday.

No. Fucking. Way. [They're kicking us out of class now.]

CSW: Swears and Drinks, if you got all this out of Song of Solomon before now, I worship you.

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, education, brazilian