Rating: Bikini

Swears & Drinks: Cheap Sweet Wine is cursing me…

Cheap Sweet Wine: Happily. As I said, you never, never should have introduced me to sour apple martinis. And melon martinis. I may be unable to spell much longer, but sour apple martinis… yum.

S&D: Making them at home are ya?

CSW: Yeah. Although think they’ll be better from scratch rather than mixer.

Mrs. Thong: I have never tried any martini, much less sour apple…

CSW: Oh. Girl. Start with melon if you like sweet things. And really. Who doesn’t?

S&D: Ha. Oh sour apple martinis are too smooth for your own good. I was at the Y today, and CSW is gonna prove those women RIGHT about good Catholics.

CSW: I’m sure. However, this one is so potent, I’m quite sure if you stick around I’ll go “bloggable” on you.

S&D: Hilarious.

CSW: Tell me about the Y.

S&D: This one woman, a good friend, very nice, said how she knew these ‘good Catholics’ … and it sure sounded directly linked to them being ‘good drinkers.’

CSW: Laughing, but of course.

MT: Did you tell her about a great blog you “found”?

CSW: Oh man. We’re doing fine on hits without passing it out. And Mrs. Thong…. let me tell you. There is NO SUCH THING as a DIY Brazilian. You would have to have cojones, girl. Yesterday was my day. Ouch. Needed much Tequila.

S&D: Laughing!

MT: My sister does it herself too.

CSW: Your own DIY Brazilian? Man. You *are* the woman.

S&D: Ouch. To you BOTH.

CSW: Ack. No way.

CSW: Worth every penny of $90. Where is DTGS tonight?

S&D: Don’t know, was she having trouble with her computer?

Drinks the Good Stuff: Hello ladies!

S&D: Look what the cat dragged in.

CSW: There you go. Hey girl. Just talkin’ bout you. S&D asked if you were havin’ computer trouble and I was saying, “Not so much she can’t back talk on the forums.”

DTGS: Laughing.

CSW: And btw… I am near to not being able to spell. Sour apple martinis. I need LATITUDE.

S&D: <—- bad influence

CSW: Oh yeah you are.

S&D: But you looooooooooooooove me.

CSW: Yes I do, dear. Anyone who turns me on to THIS is a Good. Girl. Just do not let me post to CMGW like this.

S&D: At LAST, a booze rec. she likes.

CSW: Took you long enough.

S&D: Yeah, let me see if I can post this…. CSW says she drinks but doesn’t swallow.

CSW: Laughing!

S&D: And hey, if you think that sounds iffy… I nearly didn’t say drinks, and thought whoa, that would sound BAD!

CSW: Too funny.

DTGS: Just put up a blog entry. On plants.

CSW: Love [plants]. Only discovered them in [foreign country] where they are RARE, RARE, RARE.

DTGS: Expensive expensive expensive?

CSW: Very. We just usually stole them from the neighbors. No, I found some at a flea market once for about $19.

DTGS: Well I spent almost $200 on [plants] but there were a LOT of them most of them were bare root.

CSW: NO IDEA what bare root means.

DTGS: Well you can buy them in pots

CSW: However, like I told the others, yesterday was Brazilian day and bare root sounds painful today.

DTGS: With dirt on the roots or you can buy them with all of the dirt taken off the roots.

S&D: Ouch, tell me about it.

DTGS: Laughing.

CSW: I don’t buy things that you plant outdoors, as a matter of course. You sound very informed to me.

DTGS: LOL…that’s great.

S&D: Ouch again.

CSW: Jose, baby. I’ll drive. And hold your hand if you want.

S&D: Hell, from the sound of it I may fly home.

CSW: But he’ll like it; you won’t, and you’ll be doing it again. Laughing!

S&D: Come RIGHT OFF THE TABLE!

DTGS: Hold my hand? Like I am going to want COMPANY?

S&D: No kidding.

DTGS: I think not.

CSW: Depends on how much you’ve had to drink.

S&D: You can go lay on your own couch of intense pain.

CSW: On Wiki, they linked to a video of “the moment.”

S&D: OH. Ouch.

CSW: Some people actually had friends with them.

S&D: No. way.

CSW: Okay. I can NOT do that, but whatever gets you through.

S&D: Don’t worry; I do NOT want company. Heck, I want to manage not to be IN my own body, my own self.

CSW: My little French woman was very good. And it STILL hurt like hell.

DTGS: It ain’t the pain that has me worried.

S&D: How many miles do they hear you screaming? It is ALL about the pain. ALL.

CSW: Laughing. I don’t scream. I’m Southern through and through. “Oh no, honey, I’m fine.” This French lady though, knew her business. Almost worth flying out for, gals.

S&D: That is one expensive wax…

DTGS: LOL….like I would sell that to my husband.

CSW: Oh. I bet you could. $200 ticket for $100 wax job = one helluva night. Probably could.

DTGS: Laughing! No way.

S&D: Hilarious.

CSW: Effing way.

DTGS: Why the hell should I pay all that money when I could get a massage? Those hurt too if you get ‘em done right.

CSW: See, never had a massage. Never.

DTGS: I tell ‘em to hurt me too.

CSW: S&M massage? Okay.

S&D: Yeah, whole ‘nother blog.

DTGS: Therapeutic massage.

CSW: Need to see it. I will have to get a massage in [next spa weekend town].

S&D: Love massages.

DTGS: Oh now you’re talking dirty.

CSW: Cracking up. Husband said he’d pick up the house with the kids the other day and I said, “Baby, that’s like talking dirty to me.”

S&D: No kidding.

CSW: Exactly. Massages. Men cleaning houses. What more do you need?

DTGS: Well they do say watching a man do dishes is erotic.

CSW: Who watches? I come talk to y’all.

DTGS: Well I don’t watch my husband do ‘em either.

CSW: But if “they” say, then maybe I’m missing something… I’ll mention it for foreplay tomorrow night.

DTGS: Laughing!

CSW: Snorting.

DTGS: He could take out the trash too.

CSW: Oh now you’re gonna make me excited. Did you see the latest CMGW entry?

DTGS: Yes I did; we need to get together more often.

CSW: I did my best. Yeah, we do.

DTGS: That would be much better for that blog or worse, depending on your perspective.

CSW: Couple times per year would be excellent. Laughing. Worse. I didn’t even add the one about the man almost having an orgasm because I keep my phone between my thighs when I drive…

S&D: Laughing! And yes, you could come to MY house and we could go shopping…

CSW: [Blank] is a great town. We could do some serious damage there.

DTGS: Well when we first moved here, oh Lord I can’t believe I am going to say this, I can just SEE this on the blog…

CSW: Oh do.

DTGS: This was before the fast food places and the car manufacturers had synched their cups and cup holders so if you got a large drink it wouldn’t fit in the cupholder and darn it all I wanted a large drink in the summer here. I swear there were days when I thought I had frostbite on my thighs from holding those damn cups between my legs.

S&D: Laughing!

CSW: Try your phone. On vibrate. I swear EVERY time it goes off…

S&D: You light up like a Roman Candle!

CSW: Laughing out loud, S&D!

DTGS: Do you have to confess that?

Postscript: Y’all so owe me. Do you have any idea how hard this was to upload on the equivalent of 4 martinis? Good Catholic my ass…

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, humor, conversation, bikini

Rating: Bikini

Back from another visit to Swears and Drinks’ hacienda. We were only able to get together once this time, but we made the most of it. When she wasn’t available, I hit the liquor drive thru. Those boys in there will point you to the good stuff.

I arrived at the airport and proceeded to the rental agencies to pick up my very sensible moderate or full-sized sedan. These people know me, however. The agent has the audacity to tell me that the whole lot is available (all the while dragging me toward a red 2007 Mustang) and suggests I pick one. I believe I just said, “That.”

S&D and I raced down the back roads for a while but then we had to head into town.

The downside to living in a college town is the abundance of kids with young bodies. However, it was very pleasant when we both looked at this college gal skating down the sidewalk — hate her on principle — and then surveying the scene at the red light, S&D drawls, “But do notice who that male hottie is staring at. We may be older, but we have more money.”

Dinner was a steak place with great martinis and nice dining. We laughed a bit too loudly (of course) and enjoyed our own brand of humor which is actually kind of hard to put down here for you people who missed out on it. But I do try. In my spare time. And every last one of you knows what I should be doing. But there should always be time for snippets of good friends and humor.

Perusing the menus, we were discussing my new swimming pool (can’t wait for the parties there, gang) and the fact that I do not swim. S&D remarked that she has a daughter like that. We’ve got mechanics but lack a certain other mojo to keep us afloat (Sometime must tell you about almost drowning at Destin in sight of a kid on a floating raft. Sigh.)

“I can swim, I just don’t like my head to get wet,” S&D says.

“I just don’t like to be wet.” says I, without the aid of any alcohol. Without looking up from the menu, I whisper, “That didn’t sound so good, did it?” You think we were laughing prior to that … think again.

Moving on, somehow smoking came up. Now, I have smoked. Can you waitress and not? However I didn’t do it often nor very well. S&D tells me that she hasn’t smoked. Well, she’s put a cigarette up to her lips but she didn’t inhale. No really. She said she faked it. And I’m the Miss Goody Goody of our group? Right. She only fakes inhaling.

Speaking of faking it, I had forgotten that occasionally S&D can display quite the performance if her dinner is exceptional. One bite of her steak and I was compelled to remark, “Not fakin’ that one are ya?” She said, “You should see me with Indian.”

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, humor, conversation, bikini

Rating: Thong

Swears and Drinks and I were chatting about husbands and a small quandary S&D’s has gotten her into.

Cheap Sweet Wine: Well…. if they hit you with a fee, I’d call. I’ve gotten them to waive it before just by asking.

S&D: Good idea.

CSW: You just mention that this sort of thing never happens and since you’ve been such a loyal customer, could they consider… etc.

S&D: Exactly!

CSW: We’re women, honey, work it.

S&D: Shame they can’t see cleavage over the phone.

CSW: Howling. (Oh, can I blog that?!? Puh-leeze?!?)

S&D: Laughing, yeah.

CSW: Thanks; I was taking the laugh as permission.

S&D: I hope these people realize I would never DO half the stuff I SAY.

CSW: With your cleavage and my mouth, we are going to be TROUBLE.

CSW: Oh. Man. We are NOT blogging that! I can’t believe I just said that. Laughing.

S&D: HOWLING.

CSW: I can’t see.

S&D: I’m just dying here.

CSW: Me too. Okay. Maybe we can blog that. Laughing. Very anonymously.

S&D: Man we are some kinda team huh?

CSW: I would say we feed off each other but I’m too afraid of the fallout.

S&D: Laughing out loud. See above.

CSW: I’m crying. I KNOW.

S&D: Gives fall out a whole. new. meaning.

CSW: Laughing so hard. Whew boy. You go read.

S&D: I don’t know if I can show my face there.

CSW: Well, I’m afraid I’ve had all the fun with you I can bear. I’ve got to soon jump up and go.

S&D: Okay, I need to get off myself.

CSW: Yep. And hey, in case you don’t hear it tonight… you’re a fun date. Laughing.

S&D: Smile. Thank you. So are you… or so I hear. There’s this blog…

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Site Search Tags: swears and drinks, cheap sweet wine, conversation, thong, humor

Rating: Brazilian

So I was on the phone with a friend. (No I don’t do anything “real” with my life. Look at my avatar! Does that look like a woman that cleans house!?…if only…) And she mentioned reading a post on-line concerning the morality of “Brazilians” and she went to her husband and asked, “SO. If I got a Brazilian, would you find that attractive?” The answer? “Oh YEAH!…except….I wouldn’t like the idea that someone had done it. That’s MY territory.”

Now all we have to do is figure out a way to have ‘immaculate brazilians’ or would that be ‘v irgin brazilians’? Clearly a question for a day when I’ve had a glass of the good stuff.

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Site Search Tags: drinks the good stuff, conversation, humor, brazilian

Technorati: brazilian wax, convictions

Rating: Bloomers. (so tame we are wondering why it’s on this blog and not one of our public ones.)

So I am on the phone with Cheap Sweet Wine and we are talking about the experiences we have had taking our children to confession. One of these days my middle child (Thundercloud) is going to stop provoking fits of giggles outside the confessional by learning to moderate his voice. CSW wonders what the HECK her daughter (Heartbreaker) could possibly have to confess that keeps her in the confessional so long. But that’s not what the focus of this post is about. No….leave it to us flawed moms to figure out a way to dirty our ownselves with sin while taking our children to confess theirs.

CSW confesses to becoming QUITE irritated at Heartbreaker’s lengthy examination of conscience in the back of the church and then to her politely letting about 12 people in line in front of her. CSW then went to her dh and said bad things about her pious daughter. Didn’t Dante adress this in Inferno in a little know addendum to this famous work? The Eleventh circle of hell is reserved for parents who find ways to become irritated at their children’s piety.

And please tell me that I am NOT the only one who has children that leave confession and then fight with each other in the car on the way home. I am not kidding you when I say I have said firmly…ok! ok! in the interest of not having to confess this as a lie…I hollered at them, “You will stop that bickering RIGHT THIS SECOND or I will turn this car around and you will go to confession all over again. I am certain that Father is still in the confessional and you can start out ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been FIFTEEN MINUTES since my last confession.’” They thought it was funny.

And you’ll notice I didn’t turn the car around for me to take another shot at confession after yelling at them. Deep sigh. I’m a work in progress.

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Site Search Tags: drinks the good stuff, conversation, humor, bloomers

Rating: Bikini (for video content)

So any gags at your place? My husband tried to pull one over on me that my computer had been hacked, but he didn’t realize how deep the techno goes. One look and it was all over.

To tell you what I did to him, I’m reminiscing a bit: I married a man who wears many hats: doctor, cowboy, etc.. He was a bad boy — dating every girl in sight and riding his Virago — when I met him at 18, but I kinda liked him that way. We fell in love on that bike.

I didn’t realize that he was also a tough boy because you’ll never quite know it. He was the boys’ drinking buddy because if they got in a scrape at the pool hall … they wanted him handy.

So, for April Fool’s day, I changed the ringtone on his phone. Now when I call, he hears:

As Good As I Once Was by Toby Keith

Video here. And it’s hilarious.

I ain’t as good as I once was
My how the years have flown
But there was a time, back in my prime
When I could really hold my own
But if you wanna fight tonight
Guess those boys don’t look all that tough
I ain’t as good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was

I used to be hell on wheels
Back when I was a younger man
Now my body says, “You can’t do this boy”
But my pride says, “Oh yes you can”

I ain’t as good as I once was
That’s just the cold hard truth
I still throw a few back, talk a little smack
When I’m feelin’ bulletproof
So don’t double dog dare me now
‘Cause I’d have to call your bluff

I ain’t as good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was…

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Site Search Tags: bikini, cheap sweet wine, video, humor,

Sense of humor required. Listen. We’re really just traditional Catholic moms who enjoy chatting over the Internet or phone with a glass of wine in hand. Keep your wits about you and roll with it. Besides, if you don’t like our opinions, we don’t really care…our give a damn’s busted.

Cheap Sweet Wine: Former Miss Southern State High who, try as she might not to, prefers cheap sweet wine. Seriously. “Candidate for the Vatican’s 2007 Hot Convert Award, trying to persuade the judges that she’s virtuous without being dull, vivacious without being heretical, and pro-family without being pro-horizontal-hucklebuck-for-pleasure.”

Current Anthem: Drunker Than Me ….

Current Motto: Pretty Southern girls should be able to get compliments with a bare minimum of effort.

Swears and Drinks: Former Rodeo Queen Runner-up (If only I’d sold tickets… I HATE selling things door to door…) who learned to like the Good Stuff from… well… who else. As for the swearin’, there are just times when no other word will do. Keep your motorcycle toots, gimme a quarter horse any day.

Current Anthem: My Give A Damn’s Busted

Motto: The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

Drinks the Good Stuff: My primary function in life is to corrupt my friends while maintaining an aura of perfect innocence. This was NOT my idea and they just roped me in thankyouverymuch. I would really like to have my belly-button pierced but I will NOT wear a thong.

Current Anthem: When God Fearin’ Women Get The Blues (I got a Mustang…it’ll do 80….)

Current Motto: Have any money? I’ll help you spend it.

Mrs. Thong: Formerly non-menopausal, this garden girl wears it like she means it! I am just along for the ride here and laughing my butt off all the way. These reprobates are a bad influence on me but I love it. They can share whatever bottle of wine they like, I’ll be having a Margarita. Now if I can just get them each of them to really try a good thong……

Current Anthem: How Do You Like Me Now?

Current Motto: A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.

Drinks the Good Stuff went to bed and left us alone… Mrs. Thong, Swears and Drinks and Cheap Sweet Wine. We were having a good time and thinking “She shouldn’t have left so soon,” and Catholic Moms Gone Wild was born.

For posterity, the Yahoo IM that launched an empire:

Re: Sound of Music — the Family von Trapp

Rating: Granny
(If you still wear your mommy’s panties, please exit immediately.)

Mrs. Thong: You didn’t know they were Catholic?

Swears and Drinks: NO!

Drinks the Good Stuff: You didn’t know they were Catholic?

Swears and Drinks: No. Dunno why not.

Drinks the Good Stuff: What kind of drugs are you doing!? MARIA was in a CONVENT. MOST women, not all, but MOST who are in convents are Catholic.

Mrs. Thong: Even I knew that.

Swears and Drinks: I had forgotten. Shit. And I have that movie memorized too.

Drinks the Good Stuff: The overwhelming majoritit. I’ll go looking for some exceptions for you.

Swears and Drinks: Convents + overwhelming majoritit =

Cheap Sweet Wine: I’m not drinking but majoritit is cracking me up.

Drinks the Good Stuff: Yes, well, you have been warned about typos.

Mrs. Thong: Can I find majoritit in the Catholic dictionary?

Drinks The Good Stuff: I think not — there are no tits in a convent. Only majortits.

Mrs. Thong: Is that a reference to the St. that had her breasts on the platter?

Swears and Drinks: HOWLING

Drinks the Good Stuff: I am sure that is Latin for something*.

*Major = Great(er)
Tit = Tit

“Awesome tits.”

An unspecified aquatic mammal has cleared up a little Latin difficulty. When asked, unspecified aquatic mammal said: Gives new meaning to the phrase “The hills are alive…

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Site Search Tags: Granny, humor, double entendre, conversation

Technorati: double entendre, humor, catholic humor

Rating: Bikini

Drinks and Swears: We need pseudonyms though…
Cheap Sweet Wine: For all those double entendres, yes.
Drinks and Swears: [She] can be Mrs Drinks-A-Lot.

Drinks and Swears: I could be Mrs Swears-A-Bunch
Mrs. Thong: I can be Mz wets her pants from laughing
Drinks and Swears: Mrs Wets-R-Pants
Cheap Sweet Wine: That’s not sexxy.
Drinks and Swears: ROFL
Mrs. Thong: It might be to some……….

Drinks and Swears: Like Swears and Drinks is? Name another vice, I have plenty. Pick one. And we need one for [Cheap Sweet Wine].
Cheap Sweet Wine: It might be to some…hilarious!

Mrs. Thong: Mrs. Goody Goody.
Drinks and Swears: YES!
Cheap Sweet Wine: Now I ask you — is THAT sexy?
Drinks and Swears: Mrs Prissy Pants is sexy.

Cheap Sweet Wine: I can’t even imagine the entendre with that and not sure I want to. Maybe I am Miss Goody Goody.
Drinks and Swears: Yeah think so dear.
Mrs. Thong: Prissy Pants.

Cheap Sweet Wine: Oh I know… Cheap wine something.

Drinks and Swears: Sweet Cheap Wine.
Cheap Sweet Wine: That’s it.

Drinks and Swears: Mrs Cheap Drunk?
Mrs. Thong: Mrs. Arguing and Confused?
Cheap Sweet Wine: That’s not. :::stern look girl:::
Mrs. Thong: Sweet n’ Sour?

Cheap Sweet Wine: What are ya’ll’s handles? I like Swears and Drinks. Is that for T or A? Oh gosh. I just said T&A.

Drinks and Swears: Stop. I’m gonna pee my pants. Yep, Mrs. Wets Her Pants.

Cheap Sweet Wine: Sexy to some….

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Site Search Tags: humor, double entendre, conversation

Technorati: double entendre, humor, catholic humor