Rating: Brazilian

If you don’t read our message boards, this bit will not be coherent. We offer it for The Regulars. (However this article is what is in view.)

Cheap Sweet Wine: Can I say, nay, can I complain that reading “my God” in the context of “The “God” that you rejected is not my God, either.” is like nails on chalkboard? (One of the remaining figures of speech Weird #1 permits.)

Swears & Drinks: Oh. yes. ma’am. God does NOT come with personal pronouns. Where DID you read this?

CSW: Our boards.

S&D: Dare I go there?

CSW: Oh I’m having no trouble not posting, but I wanted to feel closer to you, so I complained.

S&D: Rolling.

S&D: If it is intimacy that we need here, let’s cut straight to _____.

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S&D: Aren’t you glad I shared my opinion ?

CSW: Yes I am. That’s why you’re my drinking buddy. We’ll have to share with TimandBrandon just how right we are. All the time.

S&D: Laughing. A.men. Just hand over the hand-mixed margarita, baby, and no one gets hurt.

CSW: That’s my line. Yours is “She’s paying. I’ll take the cheap stuff.”

S&D: Laughing. On the rocks. Tastes bettah that way.

CSW: Yes it does! So glad I was with you. One shouldn’t continue frozen when there are rocks to be had. Ahem.

S&D: HOW.LING. A.men. You are SUCH a bad influence. Bringing back things that I had left back in my Baptist days. I owe you. Big. time.

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S&D: You are CATHOLIC; of COURSE you are annoying some people!

CSW: True that.

S&D: Welcome to my world.

CSW: I know. Wondering what is the step down from Forum Hammer… Forum Screwdriver… Ah. The Forum Shrew.

S&D: Well better that than the Forum Screw, ahem, which WOULD be the short form.

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CSW: Okay… when you want to look up your Yahoo history (no reason really… whistling), where is it?

S&D: Yahoo history. I have no. clue.

CSW: I see that… where? Geez.

S&D: You are my techno friend.

CSW: I ask you ONE tech question.

S&D: Grinning.

CSW: Fine. I shall return with answers. (She flies off in cape.)

S&D: Just remember Techno Hero, lycra is NOT our friend.

CSW: Found it. Cue Wonder Woman soundtrack.

S&D: Wonder Woman soundtrack cued. Volume modulated.

CSW: Go to “Conversation.” Then “Preferences.” Then see if you see “View Archives.”

S&D: Oh DUH. You mean how to view yahoo IM history? Good GRIEF. I knew that. I thought you meant yahoo search/page history. Come ON woman. Specifics.

CSW: Okay. She gets all uppity now.

S&D: Whatdja need it for?

CSW: Wondering how it worked.

S&D: Oh.

CSW: You know how if you Copy & Paste it, you lose some?

S&D: It will save conferences and IM text. Yeah.

CSW: If you talk long enough, it falls off.

S&D: HOWLING. Really.

CSW: Oh stop it! We are not drinking tonight. Okay. I have a pale ale.

S&D: I’m SO laughing. You DO NOT.

CSW: Yes, she does.

S&D: Man, that fridge SO goes in my closet.

CSW: It should!

S&D: Is that the orange kind? What was it, blue moon?

CSW: Uh… It’s in a brown bottle. But peeking in, it looks kinda orangeish. Like I know.

S&D: Rolling.

CSW: Last time I had one it was in a CLEAR glass at the end of 4 amaretto sours, 2 margaritas and I *think* two martinis. So I have NO eff-ing CLUE what color it was.

S&D: Laughing. I SO can’t wait, you are so bad for me. Who KNEW sitting at the bar was this much fun? That was my FIRST TIME.

CSW: I am, I am. No kidding.

S&D: Bar. Virgin.

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S&D: Boy is that thread raising the hackles.

CSW: I hear you. It’s a temptation.

S&D: Yes. But would it be a near occasion of sin, or a spiritual act of mercy, and how bad is THAT, to wonder?

CSW: Oh I just mean temptation to post. I’m sure one of us could find it in us to be nice. You go for it. You have no pale ale.

S&D: Laughing; yeah. Think about that: ‘more. mellow. on. booze.’

CSW: Don’t you know that cracked them up for the first two hours? That was us. Mellow.

S&D: Laughing; I know!

CSW: I thought he might be kicking us out when he came up and told us it was a family restaurant and to stop looking at midget porn.

S&D: Rolling; I know. Me too. That was funny.

CSW: They know how to get us back in there.

S&D: Yeah, dangle the hand-mixed; load up the salt rim…

CSW: Absolutely. Oh. They *were* responsive, weren’t they?

S&D: Oh yes ma’am. Very.

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CSW: Just for your mild enjoyment.

S&D: Oh I SAW this. Is that not a riot? A chalk stud makes people pregnant. Sigh. LOVE that theology…

CSW: That is some kind of chalk.

S&D: Ok, if women of a certain weight should not wear hip huggers and tight shirts, then this is WAY wrong. I mean what happened to common sense and self preservation instinct? Hell, I don’t even do CARTWHEELS anymore and I don’t weigh no 500 lbs.

CSW: Well, at 500lbs. one might reasonably argue that self preservation was dispensed with long, long ago.

S&D: True dat.

CSW: No kidding. Last time I did a cartwheel I hurt for days. Laughing; I mean it though.

S&D: And jumping on the trampoline? Oh that is SO wrong…

CSW: Hey now. Last time I did that was…lessee…2003. That wasn’t too bad, but I have, to put it politely, no breasts.

S&D: The girls wanted me to show them something when we got ours years go… and I did ONE jump and said ok, no more; that is SO not happening. It wasn’t the breasts… I don’t do enough kegels.

CSW: Rolling!

S&D: Ahem; tmi. Note to self… get right on that…

CSW: That was too funny.

S&D: Bad, that was bad.

CSW: Yeah. Must do kegels. Good for things other than tramps. (olines…)

S&D: HOWLING. Yeah they are.

Rating: Granny

I am laughing wildly exiting the grocery store.

I, Cheap Sweet Wine, have been hit up for wine recommendations. (I can’t even type that without giggling.)

As I check out with my notorious cheap sweet wine, the young cashier says, “Oh. Wow. That’s cheap! You like it? Is it sweet?”

Of course, you see me smiling and nodding my head. “Love it actually and yes, sweet is a requirement.“

The cashier continues, “Because I’m always looking for sweet wine I like. I want to try that Gewurtz…gewurtztr…”

Gewürztraminer. Ah. Not sweet enough for me. But you might like an Ice Riesling.

Cashier: Oh. Not sweet enough… Riesling you say?

No. Ice Wine Riesling. St. Chapelle. Try that. But it’s more expensive. And I still prefer the cheap wine. Seriously.

Now the bagger has to get into it: “I like red wine.”

Oh… sweet? You might try Rosa Regale.

Now if I could only have worked in Nobilo and what I think of that, I could have left the store having reached the end of and shared the whole of my knowledge and lack thereof regarding wine.

Thank you my dear friends; without you, where would that conversation have gone today…

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Rating: Bikini

Friends don’t let friends order ouzo. Okay? You ladies knew exactly what that was and when I asked, told me, and I quote, “Google it.” It didn’t sound so bad, but mixed with Bacardi 151 in something called a Vulcan Mind Probe, it is b.a.d.

So everything I knew didn’t come out my mouth, but then again, the next thing I said was, “That is not going to be my favorite. I’ll try an Orgasm. Those are more my flavors.”

Amaretto, Bailey’s, Kahlua, and Cream. Oh now that is a drink Cheap Sweet Wine can get into. Y’all should’ve been there.

Actually, anyone should have been there. I decided to go for a walk along our lake last night. It was cold and I found myself surrounded by these blazingly annoying gulls. Or little white birds. Whatever. As I head back to my car, I’m conveniently parked by our bar.

I walk in and ask, “Can I order up here?” So I set myself down at the bar and voilà, I’m having soup, a Vulcan Mind Probe and an Orgasm.

I met a lovely older man who offered to buy me a drink. After what I’d just had, I knew I couldn’t take another sip, so I told him “No thanks.” He asked if I worked and I said, “No,” to which he looked surprised.

“You don’t work?”

“No. I’m married.”

To this he looked horrified and stammered, “I’m married too. Very married. 43 years married.”

I realized that I do not know how to “do” the bar scene. I smiled and told him, “Yes, my point is that I don’t work; he does.” From there we were able to have a much more calm conversation.

So relaxing as it was to be out, sans kids, I find that I truly require a chaperone.

And I will maintain that as my friends you really, really, should have told me what I was getting into long before I got cute and ordered something up from Greece.

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, personal, bikini

Rating: Commando

We might as well say it now: Miss Goody Goody has at least one secret rant begging to be let out. (Credit Swears and Drinks for the title when she learned my subject.)

If I hear one more Christian Mom say it is downright immoral to get a Brazilian Wax I’m coming undone.

Let me talk about it in the nicest way possible.

Removing body hair is not immoral. It is not sending the message that men want pre-pubescent girls. I can assure you my husband thought no such thing when I sprung a Brazilian on him. He wanted me.

Damn Straight. Victoria who?

What is so frustrating is that we can not ever seem to find the cojones to say: I don’t want a Brazilian. I couldn’t bear it. That’s got to hurt like hell.

No. Women say it’s wrong to get a Brazilian. It is nigh unto sin to get a Brazilian. It sends the wrong message. The hell it does. It sends the right message. And if you need that elucidated, ask me on a straight Tequila night.

There are many reasons, and I’ll let your imagination fill in the blanks here, to get a Brazilian wax. But none of them have to do with pre-pubescent girls.

Why is it when we have a certain distaste, it’s not enough to find it personally undesirable. No. We must have a conviction. A truth from God Himself that it is wrong for all ya’ll to engage in something that just might be sexually pleasurable.

I’m tired of it. So here I am telling you (quite anonymously you note) that it’s not wrong to get a Brazilian wax. It could be the rightest thing you’ll ever do.

It’s wrong to get it done by an amateur. And that is a conviction.

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