Rating: Granny

“I can’t pull my pants down without thinking of you*,” I say to Swears & Drinks this morning. When we catch our breath, S&D’s says “When you [do something really publicly known] I am putting a hit man on you. They will find this blog and it will be on the news and they will know who your friends are!”

I pulled into S&D’s home town last evening and we hit the bar. What follows are minor episodes we wish to recall…

Swears & Drinks: Why is it when we had the body, we didn’t know what to do with it? Oh man, now that I know I would pay money to have the body. What happened to us? Okay, two years, let’s hit a Trace Adkins concert. Let’s put the kids in school and work out all day.

Cheap Sweet Wine: So we didn’t get to shake our ass on the hood of White Snake’s car… Trace Adkins 2008 baby.

*Okay, there is a story behind this. It involves pants, stretch marks and hooking a long fingernail into one, drawing blood. Really, that’s enough said.

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S&D: The other morning, I was so ready. I was so ready it was a good thing I had nothing requiring batteries. I was thinking “Cheap Sweet Wine so needs to be here right now; I am so ready.” As I looked on in horror which devolved into laughter, I grabbed her pointed index finger and said, “Did you hear what you just said?!? Out loud?”

She gasps through the tears, “I can’t open my mouth when I’m around you. Brazilian! I am so ready for the Brazilian!”

We were drinking martinis this night: Sour Apple and an Almond Joy. It would seem that S&D’s gastric enjoyment extends beyond Indian.

“Potent cherry,” she sighs while pulling the stem from her lips.

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Cheap Sweet Wine: I finally finished The Red Tent. If I hadn’t thought it was worth it, the last few pages made the book. It was beautiful. It touched me. I don’t get touched often.

S&D: LIAR!!

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CSW: Is this where my heart is? It hurts. Wonder what it is — must be my breasts saying they want implants. I’m too young for heartburn, which isn’t really in your heart, is it?

S&D: You are *so* not too young for heartburn!

CSW: O.Kay. then.

Tonight, she clears the air:

CSW: The 7yo drags over the neighbors to meet us today. I look BAD. I do not look good.

S&D: You LIE!

CSW: You’re forgiven for the heartburn comment.

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CSW: This margarita is sub-par, I mean, really sub-par, but there is something in the salt. (Licks the rim.)

S&D: (head spinning, looks amazed at waitress) Did you SEE that?!? (Laughing very out loud)

CSW: I’m telling you, there is something in the salt. (lick)

S&D: You are gonna make me spew!

CSW: I just wanna lick it. Do you wanna lick this side?

S&D: So we can have *two* women licking it?

CSW: Laughing. You should. I think they dipped the rim in lime and then in the green salt. Yum. For this, I could have two sub-par margaritas.

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CSW: I have been trying for a month to write the “I’m not bothered” Meme. I think of things and think, “Nope. That bothers me. I am a very bothered woman.”

S&D: Hot and bothered.

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Drinks and Swears and I have been taking turns being the Designated Driver. Last night I was up. Or down. However you want to look at it. At the end of the night, S&D says, “A margarita and a Diet Coke — I so want your life!”

When the check came, I spent time calculating the tip and then a good 5 minutes looking for where to sign. I said, “What kind of receipt is *this* without a line to sign on? I mean, where does the tip go?” And we ruminated on the sorry state of receipts these days until I guess it hit Swears & Drinks: Have you even given them a CARD yet?

CSW: Uh, no. *So* glad you caught me before I just signed this, penned in the tip and walked off.

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As we were driving home, we were discussing items of great import. I mean, import. Like Iraq. And immigration.

I yawn. Out of the blue, S&D says, “I so shoulda been the designated driver.”

CSW: No way. That was just a yawn. I’m thinking *deep thoughts,* here, S&D.

S&D: Laughing crazily, “Yeah but you just missed my road. You’re driving to *your* house.”

CSW: Oh. Deep thoughts and all.

What was in that salt rim?!?

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Should end with the fact that we were seated next to two great-bodied young gals. Who had not one bit of fun. No laughing. No great conversation. No considering the fact that what the world really needs is another blog: a sexpert blog.

You can have the body but knowledge takes time.

Rating: Granny

You know, Swears and Drinks and Drinks the Good Stuff should know better than to get together without us…

(Oh, I don’t think this can be read in one sitting; it can be said in one sitting but otherwise, it is way too long…)

Mrs. Thong: Are you there?

Cheap Sweet Wine: Hey girlfriend! I am.

MT: Haven’t been on all day except to post.

CSW: I haven’t talked to anyone either.

MT: So, what is up with you? What did you get done today? Grin.

CSW: Not a thing. I decided it was a conspiracy that no one was online today so *I* would not be distracted. Lessee… I got my room done and most of the laundry. Lot of paperwork and a lot of depression when it hit me that I have to clean the fridge and freezer for the movers.

Hey is it the weekend? Cause I said I wasn’t drinking until then, but… Laughing.

MT: Grin … I was contemplating a margarita myself.

CSW: OH! Love it. I’m back with Gewurz… not spelled correctly I’m sure.

MT: I looked for that yesterday…. don’t have it at my store.

CSW: What about the grocery? I mean, it’s just at my regular grocery. Do you like sweet or more dry wines? No idea why I’m asking… I’ll tell you the Fetzer is dry and you’ll get it and say “Sweet!”

MT: Grin.

CSW: Well, DTGS likes it. I guess that’s a recommendation. Although she recommended Nobilo and I can’t drink that to save my life. Okay, I did drink it once and didn’t remember a bloomin’ thing the next day.

MT: I lean toward sweet.

CSW: Me too. But not as sweet as strawberry wine?

MT: I have just finally admitted to myself that I don’t like reds. No, not that sweet. Laughing. Hang on, getting booze. Too lazy for margarita — Pinot Grigio.

CSW: Does it matter the label too much? I guess it does. HOW do you know good wine, for crying out loud?

MT: Wanna know my two favorites? Grin.

CSW: Yes, I do!

MT: Don’t you dare tell those two wine snob friends of ours.

CSW: Puh-leeze. If you’re doing anything above strawberry wine, you’re golden.

MT: They are both Reuniti lables. Laughing.

CSW: See? I don’t even know that’s supposed to be bad. I guess they’re just cheaper and popular?

MT: Uh, yeah; just one notch above wine in a box.

CSW: Laughing OUT Loud.

CSW: I have been told that Principato Rosato, served at the Olive Garden, is supposedly good and it’s mostly cheap. Hey, isn’t there a song… Reuniti makes you feel so nice, or something like that? Grin.

MT: The advertisement jingle, from the commercials.

CSW: That’s as much of wine as I know. Commercials. If I didn’t have help, I’d be drinking freeze-dried coffee too. I seriously lack class. I just try to hide it.

MT: Yeah, Swears and Drinks and Drinks the Good Stuff have not been good for my pocket book; they got me hooked on good tea. And my Amazon bill tripled.

CSW: No. Kidding. But I bought the freakin’ expensive teapot. And the expensive tea and I STILL DON’T LIKE IT. I think I’m hopeless.

MT: Laughing. Which pot? The one with the gold filter?

CSW: Hmm… you would ask. Yes, definitely a gold filter. I was NOT worthy of a gold filter. But I own it. Because *I* have more money than sense.

MT: Laughing. I have always liked tea…. just was blissfully unaware that what I drank was the crap of the tea world.

CSW: Lipton’s?

MT: Yep; dh still uses Lipton’s for his iced. Even though I bought him some lovely loose Irish Breakfast.

CSW: Who doesn’t? That’s good stuff. Grin. I freak DTGS out with sweet tea. I’m thinking, what do you EXPECT? I was raised in the South!

MT: Laughing. I know, in the big pitcher A. uses two cups of sugar! (He is from TN)

CSW: And with a gold filter… I mean, what’s not to love? Don’t all rough and ready men wake up and think, “Ah. Lovely loose Irish breakfast tea in a gold filter…”

Rating: Commando

I was asked when I was going to post something embarrassing…. the thing is, I am not easily embarrassed. However, today I was bare-assed, but I will get to that in a minute.

In situations where some people get embarrassed, I usually am just amused. The worse it is, the harder I tend to laugh. Things that have others hiding under the table will get me laughing so hard, I will have tears rolling down my face.

At any rate, I spent the day doing some carpentry stuff and was in a pair of cut-offs and a tank top and covered with sawdust out in the shop when dh got home. Me in cut-offs and using power tools must be a big turn-on or something, because my presence in our bedroom was requested, ASAP.

I am not a freak about it, but I am not a nudist by nature. My kiddos really don’t need to be walking in on me when I am taking a shower or anything else I may be doing that requires the removal of clothing, and I was pretty sure we were about to do the “anything else”. I thought he had closed and locked the door. He thought I had closed and locked the door. (You can’t see the door from the room because it is around a corner.)

We kissed (and such) for a few minutes, and decided the sawdust wasn’t such a turn-on, so I hopped into the shower while he put away his laundry and changed out of his work clothes. He was laying on the bed in his tidy-whities looking at a catalog when I came out of our bathroom.

FORTUNATELY we were just talking at the critical moment.

I was standing there, naked, drying my back with a towel. Dh was laying on the bed in his underwear facing me and talking to about some guitar in his Sweetwater catalog.

Enter the 15 year old. Apparently the door wasn’t locked (or even shut) after all! Now, she is a smart enough girl to know that her mom and dad have had sex more than 4 times. In fact, her room is right below ours, so I am pretty sure that she has been aware of that for quite some time now. But to walk in on us?!?

She stopped and she stood there for a split second before she let out a sound that was something like a chicken laying a really big egg. The look of horror on her face will be forever etched into my brain, and I, Mother of the Year, started laughing.

You see, we weren’t doing anything………. yet.

She turned tail and was gone. I quickly wrapped the towel around me and tried to follow her explaining that I had just gotten out of the shower, that we weren’t doing anything (yet), but I couldn’t stop laughing. I was just quick enough to see the top of her head as she disappeared into the basement exclaiming that she was scarred for life. (“Again???” I wondered.)

I could tell she wasn’t actually upset, just grossed out and a teensy bit disturbed (nothing that can’t be fixed years from now in therapy), so I returned to our bedroom. Laughing my ass off.

This time I locked the door.

As I turn to talk to dh, I let the towel fall to the floor. I am still laughing as I am walking toward the bed, telling him what she said, and something outside catches my eye. Oh. My. It is a friend of dh’s sitting in his truck part-way up our driveway, stopped with his mouth open.

A guy we go to church with who now happens to accidentally have a great view of our bedroom in that tall truck of his. (NOT the kind of guy who will tease us about it later…. more like the kind of guy who acts embarrassed and will go home wondering why the blind wasn’t shut.) I dropped and crab-crawled to the bathroom.

Okay, so this time I didn’t laugh.

Rating: Bikini

Why am I the only one having utterly embarrassing moments throughout my day, every day?

I think it was one of the gals here who told me about Diamant’s The Red Tent. Today I stop by the library to check it out. The card catalog states that it is located in “Adult Paperback.” Right. I’m thinking, “Adult paperback? Is that like in a seedy room in the back?”

Nevertheless I am undaunted and go in search of the Adult paperback section. I happen upon the spinning carousel of “adult” paperbacks in the Harlequin Romance vein and think, “No… can’t be.” It wasn’t.

I have now traveled around our library three times thinking “I can not ask where this is. I’ll grab the large print version first,” but I can’t bring myself to deprive those with poor eyesight of a book solely because I would rather not ask about adult paperbacks.

Then I figure that maybe it’s not the kind of “adult” I was thinking even though I’m already aware this is a controversial book on our forums. It must just be to distinguish it from Hank the Cowdog paperbacks for kids.

I summon my courage and walk up to the only library worker in sight… fifteen-ish year old boy. “Excuse me, I’m looking for The Red Tent. It says it’s in ‘Adult paperback,’ but I just don’t know where that is.”

He leads me back to the very back of the library (I’m thinking there is something risqué here) and hands me the book. I smile, thank him and I am out of there.

As I walk to my car, I notice that my white button down blouse is unbuttoned at the top where it most certainly should be buttoned. Good grief. Certainly not gaping open, but mortifying nonetheless.

I am not certain that I have what it takes to make it in a small town, but I do know that moving could not come at a better time.

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, real life, bikini

Rating: Brazilian

So I was on the phone with a friend. (No I don’t do anything “real” with my life. Look at my avatar! Does that look like a woman that cleans house!?…if only…) And she mentioned reading a post on-line concerning the morality of “Brazilians” and she went to her husband and asked, “SO. If I got a Brazilian, would you find that attractive?” The answer? “Oh YEAH!…except….I wouldn’t like the idea that someone had done it. That’s MY territory.”

Now all we have to do is figure out a way to have ‘immaculate brazilians’ or would that be ‘v irgin brazilians’? Clearly a question for a day when I’ve had a glass of the good stuff.

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Site Search Tags: drinks the good stuff, conversation, humor, brazilian

Technorati: brazilian wax, convictions

Rating: Commando

Swears &Drinks: Ok this is bad.

Cheap Sweet Wine: Good bad. Bad bad?

S&D: I have this muscle in my shoulder that burns when I get uptight.

CSW: Oh — painful when you move it?

S&D: A bumble bee, one of the great big honking ones, landed on me in high school and when I felt something tickle I slapped at it thinking mosquito and DH thinks the stinger must have been driven down into the muscle. Anyway, when I work hard or get uptight or tense, it really burns there.

CSW: That sounds horrible. Are you uptight?
S&D: And only muscle relaxer or beer or something makes it stop so last night I had one and it felt fine. Guess what it feels like at 9 am?

CSW: That’s a problem? You have an excuse to drink at 9am?

CSW: Yeah, get me a beer kids…

CSW: Ha. Well, I think I can imagine the hangover. Yesterday I felt drunk until noon. I am so usually not like this. DH asked if he could thank you two.

S&D: ROL
S&D: F
S&D: Sigh.
S&D: and yes, he’s welcome.

CSW: Is that an F-Bomb?

S&D: A double entendre.
CSW: Good one.

CSW: Hey it’s not even 12 hours since our last post — and we score again!
S&D: I meant double in that I had left it out and might be also cursing that I had left it out (of the roFl).

CSW: Yes — that’s what I thought. After I figured out what you just said! And I’ve NOT been drinking.

CSW: How. Ever. I’ve been on the Moral Theology board at Catholic.com today. And I didn’t realize that oral stimulation before sex was considered illicit by some. What a way to wake up!

S&D: No kidding. And how depressing to be THEIR mate eh?
CSW: Exactly!

CSW: I think some people can’t separate stimulation from completion.

S&D: Besides, there is evidence of oral stim in the scriptures; ever read the Song of Solomon? It ain’t just about the church, baby. It’s not even primarily about the church.

CSW: Oh, I need that verse dear.

CSW: Or to be this man’s wife: I believe it is fairly common for a woman to desire to achieve climax after her husband,…

S&D: Uh yeah? Or at least better that than not at all. But given the church’s position on mast. they bloody hell better not leave us frustrated.

CSW:

S&D: I mean what’s the point of being married AND burning?
Cheap Sweet Wine: No. Kidding.

CSW: Reading these threads — just the titles… I’m thinking the Holy Father is going to have to come out and say something graphic.

CSW: Here’s how one guy put it — it’s all okay as long as you remember he needs to cross the finish line with his boys heading in the right direction.

S&D: HOWLING

CSW: Now that’s a discipline you can take to the bank.
S&D: Good way to put it. That answers a LOT of ‘what if’s.’

CSW: I had no idea this was even discussed.

S&D: The way I put it when asked recently was that if you cut off the ability for life to result, then it isn’t ok.

CSW: I think I’d rather hear the F-bomb than this:

Just make sure you deposit your seed where it’s supposed to be deposited. If you do anything sexual with your wife, you just need to finish up in the right place–otherwise what you’re doing is not open to life.

CSW: Biblical or not. Weird #1 applies.
S&D: Coughing
CSW: Deposit. Seed. Bank. I’m done with these threads.
S&D: I’m cracking up.

S&D: Where DID you say you found these?
CSW: Let me see… Catholic.com forums. Moral Theology board.
S&D: Ah, now I NEVER would’ve expected that.

CSW: It’s been um… interesting. But really. I didn’t realize there was a debate on OS. Not oral sex (completion) but foreplay.

S&D: No, I didn’t either but, it doesn’t surprise me. Heck, I could see that taking place on our forums and you’d have some prudes saying “How ungodly,” and some of us saying, “Your poor husband…”

CSW: I was drinking!
S&D: Sorry.

CSW: Right. Oh I want to procrastinate today too. Start the thread!

S&D: I double. dog. The moderator would kill us…

S&D: Well, it is a moral question.

CSW: It could start out with… I’m trying to form my conscience.

S&D: HOWLING
CSW: You keep howling… I’m planning. If ONLY we still had secret user names.

S&D: Oh I know; I’m so wicked.
CSW: I would do it in a heartbeat if EVERY time they saw my User ID, they wouldn’t snicker… oh. Something really naughty.

S&D: Think video rocker connotations.
CSW: Yep. Can’t see her without the mental image. THAT is painful.
S&D: Yeah.
CSW: Some things just need to be between friends.

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Site Search Tags: swears and drinks, cheap sweet wine, commando, rant, convictions

Technorati: convictions

Sense of humor required. Listen. We’re really just traditional Catholic moms who enjoy chatting over the Internet or phone with a glass of wine in hand. Keep your wits about you and roll with it. Besides, if you don’t like our opinions, we don’t really care…our give a damn’s busted.

Cheap Sweet Wine: Former Miss Southern State High who, try as she might not to, prefers cheap sweet wine. Seriously. “Candidate for the Vatican’s 2007 Hot Convert Award, trying to persuade the judges that she’s virtuous without being dull, vivacious without being heretical, and pro-family without being pro-horizontal-hucklebuck-for-pleasure.”

Current Anthem: Drunker Than Me ….

Current Motto: Pretty Southern girls should be able to get compliments with a bare minimum of effort.

Swears and Drinks: Former Rodeo Queen Runner-up (If only I’d sold tickets… I HATE selling things door to door…) who learned to like the Good Stuff from… well… who else. As for the swearin’, there are just times when no other word will do. Keep your motorcycle toots, gimme a quarter horse any day.

Current Anthem: My Give A Damn’s Busted

Motto: The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

Drinks the Good Stuff: My primary function in life is to corrupt my friends while maintaining an aura of perfect innocence. This was NOT my idea and they just roped me in thankyouverymuch. I would really like to have my belly-button pierced but I will NOT wear a thong.

Current Anthem: When God Fearin’ Women Get The Blues (I got a Mustang…it’ll do 80….)

Current Motto: Have any money? I’ll help you spend it.

Mrs. Thong: Formerly non-menopausal, this garden girl wears it like she means it! I am just along for the ride here and laughing my butt off all the way. These reprobates are a bad influence on me but I love it. They can share whatever bottle of wine they like, I’ll be having a Margarita. Now if I can just get them each of them to really try a good thong……

Current Anthem: How Do You Like Me Now?

Current Motto: A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.