Rating: Brazilian

If you don’t read our message boards, this bit will not be coherent. We offer it for The Regulars. (However this article is what is in view.)

Cheap Sweet Wine: Can I say, nay, can I complain that reading “my God” in the context of “The “God” that you rejected is not my God, either.” is like nails on chalkboard? (One of the remaining figures of speech Weird #1 permits.)

Swears & Drinks: Oh. yes. ma’am. God does NOT come with personal pronouns. Where DID you read this?

CSW: Our boards.

S&D: Dare I go there?

CSW: Oh I’m having no trouble not posting, but I wanted to feel closer to you, so I complained.

S&D: Rolling.

S&D: If it is intimacy that we need here, let’s cut straight to _____.

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S&D: Aren’t you glad I shared my opinion ?

CSW: Yes I am. That’s why you’re my drinking buddy. We’ll have to share with TimandBrandon just how right we are. All the time.

S&D: Laughing. A.men. Just hand over the hand-mixed margarita, baby, and no one gets hurt.

CSW: That’s my line. Yours is “She’s paying. I’ll take the cheap stuff.”

S&D: Laughing. On the rocks. Tastes bettah that way.

CSW: Yes it does! So glad I was with you. One shouldn’t continue frozen when there are rocks to be had. Ahem.

S&D: HOW.LING. A.men. You are SUCH a bad influence. Bringing back things that I had left back in my Baptist days. I owe you. Big. time.

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S&D: You are CATHOLIC; of COURSE you are annoying some people!

CSW: True that.

S&D: Welcome to my world.

CSW: I know. Wondering what is the step down from Forum Hammer… Forum Screwdriver… Ah. The Forum Shrew.

S&D: Well better that than the Forum Screw, ahem, which WOULD be the short form.

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CSW: Okay… when you want to look up your Yahoo history (no reason really… whistling), where is it?

S&D: Yahoo history. I have no. clue.

CSW: I see that… where? Geez.

S&D: You are my techno friend.

CSW: I ask you ONE tech question.

S&D: Grinning.

CSW: Fine. I shall return with answers. (She flies off in cape.)

S&D: Just remember Techno Hero, lycra is NOT our friend.

CSW: Found it. Cue Wonder Woman soundtrack.

S&D: Wonder Woman soundtrack cued. Volume modulated.

CSW: Go to “Conversation.” Then “Preferences.” Then see if you see “View Archives.”

S&D: Oh DUH. You mean how to view yahoo IM history? Good GRIEF. I knew that. I thought you meant yahoo search/page history. Come ON woman. Specifics.

CSW: Okay. She gets all uppity now.

S&D: Whatdja need it for?

CSW: Wondering how it worked.

S&D: Oh.

CSW: You know how if you Copy & Paste it, you lose some?

S&D: It will save conferences and IM text. Yeah.

CSW: If you talk long enough, it falls off.

S&D: HOWLING. Really.

CSW: Oh stop it! We are not drinking tonight. Okay. I have a pale ale.

S&D: I’m SO laughing. You DO NOT.

CSW: Yes, she does.

S&D: Man, that fridge SO goes in my closet.

CSW: It should!

S&D: Is that the orange kind? What was it, blue moon?

CSW: Uh… It’s in a brown bottle. But peeking in, it looks kinda orangeish. Like I know.

S&D: Rolling.

CSW: Last time I had one it was in a CLEAR glass at the end of 4 amaretto sours, 2 margaritas and I *think* two martinis. So I have NO eff-ing CLUE what color it was.

S&D: Laughing. I SO can’t wait, you are so bad for me. Who KNEW sitting at the bar was this much fun? That was my FIRST TIME.

CSW: I am, I am. No kidding.

S&D: Bar. Virgin.

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S&D: Boy is that thread raising the hackles.

CSW: I hear you. It’s a temptation.

S&D: Yes. But would it be a near occasion of sin, or a spiritual act of mercy, and how bad is THAT, to wonder?

CSW: Oh I just mean temptation to post. I’m sure one of us could find it in us to be nice. You go for it. You have no pale ale.

S&D: Laughing; yeah. Think about that: ‘more. mellow. on. booze.’

CSW: Don’t you know that cracked them up for the first two hours? That was us. Mellow.

S&D: Laughing; I know!

CSW: I thought he might be kicking us out when he came up and told us it was a family restaurant and to stop looking at midget porn.

S&D: Rolling; I know. Me too. That was funny.

CSW: They know how to get us back in there.

S&D: Yeah, dangle the hand-mixed; load up the salt rim…

CSW: Absolutely. Oh. They *were* responsive, weren’t they?

S&D: Oh yes ma’am. Very.

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CSW: Just for your mild enjoyment.

S&D: Oh I SAW this. Is that not a riot? A chalk stud makes people pregnant. Sigh. LOVE that theology…

CSW: That is some kind of chalk.

S&D: Ok, if women of a certain weight should not wear hip huggers and tight shirts, then this is WAY wrong. I mean what happened to common sense and self preservation instinct? Hell, I don’t even do CARTWHEELS anymore and I don’t weigh no 500 lbs.

CSW: Well, at 500lbs. one might reasonably argue that self preservation was dispensed with long, long ago.

S&D: True dat.

CSW: No kidding. Last time I did a cartwheel I hurt for days. Laughing; I mean it though.

S&D: And jumping on the trampoline? Oh that is SO wrong…

CSW: Hey now. Last time I did that was…lessee…2003. That wasn’t too bad, but I have, to put it politely, no breasts.

S&D: The girls wanted me to show them something when we got ours years go… and I did ONE jump and said ok, no more; that is SO not happening. It wasn’t the breasts… I don’t do enough kegels.

CSW: Rolling!

S&D: Ahem; tmi. Note to self… get right on that…

CSW: That was too funny.

S&D: Bad, that was bad.

CSW: Yeah. Must do kegels. Good for things other than tramps. (olines…)

S&D: HOWLING. Yeah they are.

Rating: Brazilian

Have ya heard that song yet? “Famous in a Small Town” by Miranda Lambert… Great song… Cheap Sweet Wine is one of those kinda people. We are trying to take advantage of the few months we have living in the same town by getting together once a week at a local restaurant for drinks and dinner… well… we WERE sitting in the restaurant the first few weeks.

Then she comes and tells me that she’s found this great bar at another restaurant where they have $1 Margaritas on Thursdays… well, you can guess where Mom’s Night Out was last week.

I’ve never sat at the bar… at a table in the bar area when the rest of the restaurant was full, yeah… but not AT THE BAR for the purposes of dinner and a drink… or two… Man, have I been missing OUT. Here are some of the highlights of the evening…

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CSW has this habit of setting her phone to vibrate and tucking it between her thighs when in a noisy place and went to do that at the bar.

S&D: Is it on vibrate?

CSW: Oops! (changes ring setting) Don’t wanna miss THAT!

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In reaction to some comment (probably angelic) from me…

CSW: I swallowed that WHOLE thanks to you!

---

So we’ve ordered our first Margaritas, CSW’s is on the rocks, mine is frozen. We’re discussing the merits, why’s and wheretofore’s behind our choices and CSW says she thinks you can get drunk faster if it is on the rocks. We decide to ask the bartenders when one comes back by…

Brandon the Bartender: “You get drunk faster on the rocks – unless you get off on a brain freeze…”

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Further discussion of the Margaritas brings up the one CSW had last week… remember? The one with the really yummy rim?

CSW: (licks the rim of her Margarita glass) Nope, doesn’t taste like last week’s… Next time Tim comes, I’m gonna tell him about the lime rim.

---

CSW’s husband texted her a couple times during the evening. After she had responded to him once…

CSW: (puts the phone back between her thighs) Let’s put it back here and see what happens!
[May I add that S&D said, and I quote: Your problem is that you don't have it high enough! --Cheap Sweet Wine]

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As these little bloggable bits keep popping up in the course of really rather normal conversation … ok, normal for us and really NOTHING that should be ending up in these rather risque one liners… we discussed who does the majority of the writing here…

S&D: (said defensively) I can write, I just don’t usually…

CSW: Last week you were begging me to do it!

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Sitting at the bar gives you a good view of the ‘drink makings’ lined up at the back and you hear the orders of other patrons etc. As someone was getting a shot of something, gee, was that us? I asked CSW if she’d ever had a B52 (layered drink of Kahlua, Irish Cream, and Grand Marnier that tastes like chocolate).

She said no, so I asked TimandBrandon to make her one. She looks at this layered shot when they sat it down in front of her and asked me how to drink it. It was a pretty big shot glass so I’m explaining that she really needs to get all the layers in her mouth to get the full flavor…

CSW: You want me to take all of this in my mouth and swish it? I’m not sure I can take it all in!

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We had a seriously good time, lots of laughter, some serious moments, and the bartenders seemed amused.

S&D: Man, you’re gonna have a reputation around here at this rate… I won’t, I’m moving!

CSW: I only have a reputation at the town’s football games!

S&D: It’s like the song… Everyone Dies Famous in a Small Town…

CSW: What song is that, I haven’t heard it…

S&D: You’re LIVING it honey!

Rating: Granny

“I can’t pull my pants down without thinking of you*,” I say to Swears & Drinks this morning. When we catch our breath, S&D’s says “When you [do something really publicly known] I am putting a hit man on you. They will find this blog and it will be on the news and they will know who your friends are!”

I pulled into S&D’s home town last evening and we hit the bar. What follows are minor episodes we wish to recall…

Swears & Drinks: Why is it when we had the body, we didn’t know what to do with it? Oh man, now that I know I would pay money to have the body. What happened to us? Okay, two years, let’s hit a Trace Adkins concert. Let’s put the kids in school and work out all day.

Cheap Sweet Wine: So we didn’t get to shake our ass on the hood of White Snake’s car… Trace Adkins 2008 baby.

*Okay, there is a story behind this. It involves pants, stretch marks and hooking a long fingernail into one, drawing blood. Really, that’s enough said.

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S&D: The other morning, I was so ready. I was so ready it was a good thing I had nothing requiring batteries. I was thinking “Cheap Sweet Wine so needs to be here right now; I am so ready.” As I looked on in horror which devolved into laughter, I grabbed her pointed index finger and said, “Did you hear what you just said?!? Out loud?”

She gasps through the tears, “I can’t open my mouth when I’m around you. Brazilian! I am so ready for the Brazilian!”

We were drinking martinis this night: Sour Apple and an Almond Joy. It would seem that S&D’s gastric enjoyment extends beyond Indian.

“Potent cherry,” she sighs while pulling the stem from her lips.

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Cheap Sweet Wine: I finally finished The Red Tent. If I hadn’t thought it was worth it, the last few pages made the book. It was beautiful. It touched me. I don’t get touched often.

S&D: LIAR!!

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CSW: Is this where my heart is? It hurts. Wonder what it is — must be my breasts saying they want implants. I’m too young for heartburn, which isn’t really in your heart, is it?

S&D: You are *so* not too young for heartburn!

CSW: O.Kay. then.

Tonight, she clears the air:

CSW: The 7yo drags over the neighbors to meet us today. I look BAD. I do not look good.

S&D: You LIE!

CSW: You’re forgiven for the heartburn comment.

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CSW: This margarita is sub-par, I mean, really sub-par, but there is something in the salt. (Licks the rim.)

S&D: (head spinning, looks amazed at waitress) Did you SEE that?!? (Laughing very out loud)

CSW: I’m telling you, there is something in the salt. (lick)

S&D: You are gonna make me spew!

CSW: I just wanna lick it. Do you wanna lick this side?

S&D: So we can have *two* women licking it?

CSW: Laughing. You should. I think they dipped the rim in lime and then in the green salt. Yum. For this, I could have two sub-par margaritas.

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CSW: I have been trying for a month to write the “I’m not bothered” Meme. I think of things and think, “Nope. That bothers me. I am a very bothered woman.”

S&D: Hot and bothered.

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Drinks and Swears and I have been taking turns being the Designated Driver. Last night I was up. Or down. However you want to look at it. At the end of the night, S&D says, “A margarita and a Diet Coke — I so want your life!”

When the check came, I spent time calculating the tip and then a good 5 minutes looking for where to sign. I said, “What kind of receipt is *this* without a line to sign on? I mean, where does the tip go?” And we ruminated on the sorry state of receipts these days until I guess it hit Swears & Drinks: Have you even given them a CARD yet?

CSW: Uh, no. *So* glad you caught me before I just signed this, penned in the tip and walked off.

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As we were driving home, we were discussing items of great import. I mean, import. Like Iraq. And immigration.

I yawn. Out of the blue, S&D says, “I so shoulda been the designated driver.”

CSW: No way. That was just a yawn. I’m thinking *deep thoughts,* here, S&D.

S&D: Laughing crazily, “Yeah but you just missed my road. You’re driving to *your* house.”

CSW: Oh. Deep thoughts and all.

What was in that salt rim?!?

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Should end with the fact that we were seated next to two great-bodied young gals. Who had not one bit of fun. No laughing. No great conversation. No considering the fact that what the world really needs is another blog: a sexpert blog.

You can have the body but knowledge takes time.

Rating: Granny

You know, Swears and Drinks and Drinks the Good Stuff should know better than to get together without us…

(Oh, I don’t think this can be read in one sitting; it can be said in one sitting but otherwise, it is way too long…)

Mrs. Thong: Are you there?

Cheap Sweet Wine: Hey girlfriend! I am.

MT: Haven’t been on all day except to post.

CSW: I haven’t talked to anyone either.

MT: So, what is up with you? What did you get done today? Grin.

CSW: Not a thing. I decided it was a conspiracy that no one was online today so *I* would not be distracted. Lessee… I got my room done and most of the laundry. Lot of paperwork and a lot of depression when it hit me that I have to clean the fridge and freezer for the movers.

Hey is it the weekend? Cause I said I wasn’t drinking until then, but… Laughing.

MT: Grin … I was contemplating a margarita myself.

CSW: OH! Love it. I’m back with Gewurz… not spelled correctly I’m sure.

MT: I looked for that yesterday…. don’t have it at my store.

CSW: What about the grocery? I mean, it’s just at my regular grocery. Do you like sweet or more dry wines? No idea why I’m asking… I’ll tell you the Fetzer is dry and you’ll get it and say “Sweet!”

MT: Grin.

CSW: Well, DTGS likes it. I guess that’s a recommendation. Although she recommended Nobilo and I can’t drink that to save my life. Okay, I did drink it once and didn’t remember a bloomin’ thing the next day.

MT: I lean toward sweet.

CSW: Me too. But not as sweet as strawberry wine?

MT: I have just finally admitted to myself that I don’t like reds. No, not that sweet. Laughing. Hang on, getting booze. Too lazy for margarita — Pinot Grigio.

CSW: Does it matter the label too much? I guess it does. HOW do you know good wine, for crying out loud?

MT: Wanna know my two favorites? Grin.

CSW: Yes, I do!

MT: Don’t you dare tell those two wine snob friends of ours.

CSW: Puh-leeze. If you’re doing anything above strawberry wine, you’re golden.

MT: They are both Reuniti lables. Laughing.

CSW: See? I don’t even know that’s supposed to be bad. I guess they’re just cheaper and popular?

MT: Uh, yeah; just one notch above wine in a box.

CSW: Laughing OUT Loud.

CSW: I have been told that Principato Rosato, served at the Olive Garden, is supposedly good and it’s mostly cheap. Hey, isn’t there a song… Reuniti makes you feel so nice, or something like that? Grin.

MT: The advertisement jingle, from the commercials.

CSW: That’s as much of wine as I know. Commercials. If I didn’t have help, I’d be drinking freeze-dried coffee too. I seriously lack class. I just try to hide it.

MT: Yeah, Swears and Drinks and Drinks the Good Stuff have not been good for my pocket book; they got me hooked on good tea. And my Amazon bill tripled.

CSW: No. Kidding. But I bought the freakin’ expensive teapot. And the expensive tea and I STILL DON’T LIKE IT. I think I’m hopeless.

MT: Laughing. Which pot? The one with the gold filter?

CSW: Hmm… you would ask. Yes, definitely a gold filter. I was NOT worthy of a gold filter. But I own it. Because *I* have more money than sense.

MT: Laughing. I have always liked tea…. just was blissfully unaware that what I drank was the crap of the tea world.

CSW: Lipton’s?

MT: Yep; dh still uses Lipton’s for his iced. Even though I bought him some lovely loose Irish Breakfast.

CSW: Who doesn’t? That’s good stuff. Grin. I freak DTGS out with sweet tea. I’m thinking, what do you EXPECT? I was raised in the South!

MT: Laughing. I know, in the big pitcher A. uses two cups of sugar! (He is from TN)

CSW: And with a gold filter… I mean, what’s not to love? Don’t all rough and ready men wake up and think, “Ah. Lovely loose Irish breakfast tea in a gold filter…”

Rating: Granny….if she wears a sari.

Swears and Drinks is at my home for a visit and she brought her children for me to corrupt….I mean educate. It is such a joy when children reach an age where when they ask a question you can say, “You really don’t want to know the answer.” And then, when they persist in badgering you for an answer….you give it to them. [very big grin]. Swears and Drinks’ eldest has reached just such an age and BOY did she come to the right house to get an education.

Lesson #1. Swears and Drink’s eldest was watching a TV program when an offhand remark was made regarding breast implants. This remark was made while S&D’s and my children were watching TV, S&D, myself and Cheap Sweet Wine were both on the phone and in instant message conversation. (You can never have too much communication among girlfriends) S&D’s eldest proceeds to LAUNCH on a tirade about how disgusting and gross and horrible breast implants are. This caused all three adult women who were privy to this little rant by the young know-it-all to nearly choke with laughter knowing that one of us…cough…and indeed the MOTHER of said opinionated young teenaged girl… had herself a pair of those gross, disgusting, and horrible devices surgically implanted some years ago. And of course, since we were on IM in addition to the phone we could have ourselves a lovely discussion without any possibility whatsoever of being overheard. (I love technology.)

A little while later this young lady was being counseled by her mother about the wisdom of tempering such deeply held opinions or at least not expressing them with such vehemence when she isn’t sure of the audience. Ms. Know-it-all looked her mother squarely in the eye and said, “Well it isn’t as if YOU have them so what’s the big deal?” (This of course leads to the inescapable conclusion that even in the eyes of young children that the idea of me having implants is patently absurd.) At this point Swears and Drinks looks at her eldest child and said “Oh really? You know that for sure do you?” [grin] It’s so much fun yanking the rug out from under someone who knows for sure they are standing on the bare floor.

Lesson #2 Swears and Drinks has a bit of a love affair with Indian food. I don’t mean this in a symbolic way. S&D lives in a place where Taco Bell is considered good Mexican food and Indian is quite simply out of the question. When she comes to my house, a visit to one of the local Indian eateries is essential. So this afternoon we were at a most excellent Indian and reminiscing about S&D’s first experience with Indian food. S&D’s eldest wanted to know what we were talking about and I said that her mother had been known to attract attention when eating Indian food. S&D’s eldest was instantly curious. “What do you mean?” she asked. I said, “You really don’t want to know.” Stupid child. She insisted that she wanted to know and she’s old enough to hear the answer rather than have me live through the pestering. So I said, “Have you ever watched ‘When Harry Met Sally’?” “No.” S&D chimes in “Do you know that shampoo commercial where the woman is moaning while she is washing her hair….?” S&D’s eldest’s expression clearly indicated puzzlement. So I stepped in (my specialty) and said, “When your mother eats good Indian food she makes noises typically associated with extreme enjoyment of conjugal relations.” It’s really too bad we didn’t have video camera because as much fun as it would be to document a case of S&D “going Indian” it would have been even more fun to document that face made by her eldest…jaw hitting (denting even) the table, eyebrows shooting up well into her hairline, and a deep and thorough blush.

I did mention to her that the next time I tell her she doesn’t want to know something, she might consider believing me.

Rating: Bikini

Swears and Drinks: Hey Ladies.

Cheap Sweet Wine: Hola.

Mrs. Thong: Hi!

S&D: This parish here… I bet there is NO WAY God would let us move here.

CSW: Now wait a minute. You’re not in Catholic mecca anymore are you? I’m not following.

S&D: Nope, we are in the city with perpetual adoration at the parish AND four hours of scheduled confession. Honey, I toured the church today. And talked to the head of the bulding committee which also happened to be my realtor and girl.friend. We ALL want to live here. Trust me on this.

Irish priest. VERY VERY conservative.

CSW: He’s just gonna move once you get there. Catholic karma.

S&D: He just got here within the last two years and LOVES it here.

CSW: So did *my* friend in C_____… sounding vaguely familiar…

S&D: Shut. up. (sob)

CSW: Grinning. He does sound excellent. I want him. (Can you say that about a priest?)

S&D: Well I just had to delete ‘I’d have his babies.”

MT: Laughing.

CSW: Oh. Man. That priest on the coke commercial. (CMGW). Be still my heart.

S&D: Laughing.

MT: That was funny! Father Whatawaste.

S&D/CSW: Rolling.

CSW: Hysterical, wasn’t it? Don’t ask me how many times I’ve watched it.

S&D: Seriously, small parish. Who would’a thunk it but un.real. parish. Seriously active. Honestly my best reaction is “I’m SO not worthy” to borrow a great line from a friend.

CSW: I am going downright quotable. People have been using purpose driven drinking. I have GOT to trademark that. Laughing. I‘m gonna put it on the forums.

MT/S&D: Laughing.

CSW: I don’t care if they trace my ass all the way back to CMGW.

S&D: LOLOL

MT: Speaking of CMGW….

CSW: Yes? Need an edit?

MT: Maybe a few details…?

CSW: I’m a dork. But… I don’t think it matters.

S&D: I love you to pieces, you change, I hunt you down.

MT: You have a gift for witty comedy.

CSW: I have a gift for putting my foot in my mouth. It works.

S&D: Not. (said the woman who said she’d pay money to see *CSW* in the room with the Pope a la GWB)

CSW: Every thing I say sounds like I’m asking you to sleep with me.

S&D/MT: Rolling.

CSW: We really *are* good friends.

S&D: What do I have to do (singing) to make you sleep with me… um… talk? Laughing.

S&D: One of the ladies tonight at dinner said ‘I love your stories, you are so animated.’

CSW: *What* were you eating?

S&D: Howling. I said “Thank you” and thought “You aren’t the first to say that.”

MT: Rolling.

S&D: Salad; praise God. She has no. i.dea.

CSW: I am so laughing out loud.

S&D: You want ANIMATED? Got Indian?

MT: Meg Ryan. When Harry Met Sally.

CSW: Totally enjoy that scene.

MT: One of the best scenes of all time.

S&D: Absolutely.

CSW: How do you think I learned to fake … inhaling?

S&D/MT: Laughing!

MT: Thought you didn’t need to fake. Grin.

— Salacious bits removed to protect much loved husbands –

Yeah, “If you have to ask, baby, I didn’t have one.”

No. kidding. It doesn’t HAVE to happen all the time.

No, it doesn’t. But if it’s a pattern, DO. Something.

Although someone said something recently about if you couldn’t do so and so for 20 minutes (talking about sex) like that was a minimum and I didn’t say anything but I was thinking DAMN 20 whole minutes? Man I wanna be YOU when I grow up.

I can honestly say I’ve never faked one. I figure if I do he won’t try any harder than he is.

Hilarious.

Sex for 20 minutes? Is that what they were saying?

Yeah or foreplay or something …

Catholic Church and my peak? It’s been ….

You GO girl.

DO NOT count your money in front of a poor man.

I am howling.

Well, when I do get it…it is GOOD…. but that is just because it is been so long, I can’t remember enough to compare.

HOWLING

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, conversation, bikini

Rating: Granny

The following is not coherent. To protect the innocent, we must have it this way. (And also more than half is missing because Yahoo does not preserve the entire conversation if you talk as long as we.)

Cheap Sweet Wine: Oh! Swears and Drinks, guess what I’m drinking and LIKING?

Swears and Drinks: What??

CSW: Fetzer Gewürztraminer. Grinning.

S&D: Oh isn’t that YUMMY? It’s one of my faves.

CSW: It is now. Hated it before. I think I’m going classy on you.

S&D: Grin. That’s how it works girl…

[severely cut-off portion of IM.]

S&D: I’m notorious for embarrassing friends. Cheap Sweet Wine would probably call it “mushrooming.”

Mrs. Thong: Indian?

S&D: Usually in Indian restaurants.

CSW: S&D is embarrassing in public.

S&D: So did you finally get it MT? About the Indian?

MT: Yeah, but trying to figure out “mushrooming…”

S&D: It happened with CSW over Portabello mushrooms on a particularly good steak.

MT: Coming from CSW, I would expect it to be scre…. something else.

CSW: Hilarious.

S&D: Laughing.

CSW: Waitaminute.

MT: Laughing.

S&D: Well that’s what you get, CSW, for not telling the story your own self.

Drinks the Good Stuff: We’ll have to eat Indian in Indiana.

S&D: Yeah, it was the funniest thing. I took a bite of that mushroom and CSW said something… can’t remember what… but she TOTALLY got it.

CSW: It’s on the blog.

DTGS: WHAT is?

CSW: I said, “Not fakin’ that one, are ya?”

DTGS: We need to write up an explanation of “Going Indian.”

S&D: Laughing.

CSW: You should, DTGS. You’ve seen it more times than I.

S&D: I can’t afford to die first in this friendship. It happens every time too. Ya’ll be sittin ’round at my funeral eating chocolate and toasting me with Roederer and laughing at my gastric orgasms.

CSW: We so need to plan a weekend.

S&D: Damn straight hon. And before I move too.

CSW: I know.

S&D: While we are most of us all there (and you fly up DTGS).

DTGS: I don’t think I can sell flying up for W’s initiation into the Church AND a mommy weekend.

S&D: So we’ll make it the same.

DTGS: Good idea.

S&D: You coming MT?

MT: To?

S&D: [State] for W’s initiation and a mommy weekend.

MT: (Yes, but where?)

CSW: Probably I__.

MT: In August?

CSW: Did W say August?

S&D: You aren’t camping in August are ya?

CSW: August is hot.

S&D: No kidding. Umbrella drinks. Grin.

CSW: You should *never* camp. In August.

DTGS: She said August. And I don’t know if she has Indian.

MT: Yes, August.

DTGS: Thai’ll work too though.

S&D: What are you people… those little white birds in Nemo?

CSW: Laughing.

S&D: August. August. August. August.

CSW: Bitch.

S&D: Thank you. Working at it today. I was entirely too good yesterday; ask MT. I’m having a relapse.

CSW: Laughing.

DTGS: Well I am a very, very good girl….on day seven of a fast.

CSW: Now, DTGS was just telling us before you got here that not a single one of us is allowed a SINGLE RELAPSE on the forums.

S&D: Yes you are a very good girl. Snort.

CSW: Whoa. I’m going to be very good. After tonight.

DTGS: You are a good girl, CSW.

CSW: (waiting for other shoe)

MT: Laughing.

DTGS: Your goodness just doesn’t encompass what you eat and drink at the moment.

Drop.

Exit Swears and Drinks.

DTGS: I think I am going to sign out too.

CSW: No…

DTGS: Okay, I will finish this blog post and then see if you two are still talking.

CSW: Whatcha working on?

DTGS: What you told me to write about.

CSW: Oh good. Okay. I’m getting close to drunk.

MT: Me too.

CSW: Oh, what are you drinking?

DTGS: I hate you both. And am coveting your drinks.

CSW: Ha, Ms. Healthy.

MT: Um, I polished off the Reisling and am now on Pinot Grigio.

CSW: Oh. Had that last night too. The party and all.

MT: I am going to get some of that stuff you are drinking next, CSW. It isn’t red, right?

CSW: Try it! No, white. Gewürztraminer.

MT: Okay, don’t like reds.

MT: How old are you two’s dh’s?

CSW: My TWO husbands?

MT: K and J, goofy!

CSW: Oh, sorry. Grin.

MT: Isn’t DTGS still here? I am drunk. I meant S, not J!

CSW: Right. Unsure on S.

DTGS: DTGS is working on her BlOG.

CSW: Cracking up. Too much wine.

MT: Way too much for me.

CSW: I hear you. Just don’t go biting or hitting. You’ll do fine.

MT: A. is pushing ___. He is not into biting or hitting anymore. <sigh> He needs some sort of something.

CSW: If only they would see a doctor!

MT: Won’t ask a) because of fragile male ego, b) because of possibility it is just age, c) because I would probably never get it again.

CSW: Which we *can not* have. There is a reason we drink.

MT: LOL! Ya know…. People say that menstruation and pain in childbirth was EVE’s punishment … the real punishment is that men’s drive would decline just as ours peaks.

CSW: Laughing.

MT: They don’t tell you THAT in Sunday School.

CSW: That is hilarious; thank God for Viagra then.

DTGS: They don’t call it the missionary position for nothin’.

CSW/MT: Rolling.

CSW: I bet some testosterone would help. I mean, that drops off too.

MT: Where can I buy that? Mexico?

DTGS: No, they have a patch for testosterone; don’t they?

MT: It was a joke.

DTGS: Oh sorry; shutting up now.

MT: Laughing.

CSW: I think they have something.

MT: I wondered at that dead silence, there.

CSW: Sorry had an email at that moment. Seriously, I’d google it. Get him a test. Of course, I could just be peaking.

DTGS: For which your husband is still young enough to be grateful.

CSW: Laughing. Uh. Yeah. He thinks the Catholic church did something to me.

MT: You were _____ before?

CSW: Laughing. Yeah.

DTGS: It did….didn’t it?

MT: It probably did!

DTGS: And I’m thinking he’s not at all ungrateful… Rolling.

CSW: He tells me that I am a Very Good Catholic Girl. Er, no. He is not ungrateful.

MT: Okay. My monitor just about got a mouthful of wine on it. Rolling.

CSW: Do not waste the wine.

DTGS: You two are too funny; I only wish I has some wine to go with yours.

MT: So…. did I tell you two my martial arts news?

CSW: No. Tell.

DTGS: No…do tell.

MT: I will be testing in front of the Grandmaster for my black belt in a few months.

CSW: Amazing!

DTGS: Wonderful!!

CSW: I had no idea you were so… impressive.

DTGS: No kidding.

MT: My current teacher has been great about progressing me and giving me credit for what I already know.

DTGS: Just think of the places we can go if she’s with us.

CSW: Downtown Chicago baby.

MT: Not impressive.

CSW: That’s great, MT. My friend can eat you.

DTGS: Well I am impressed.

CSW: I am too.

MT: Laughing: “My friend can eat you.”

CSW: Well, really.

MT: I have been working toward this for 20 years. I went to a seminar yesterday on Korean martial art weaponry. I have quarter size bruises all over my body and if I never hear the words “nerve cluster” again I will be happy.

CSW: Oh that too is impressive. I guess so. Putting “nerve cluster” on my weird number one.

MT: But it was way fun to come home and get A out of bed and practice what I learned on him. Grinning.

CSW: Oh that is very wifely of you.

MT: He hates it.

DTGS: Laughing.

CSW: Poor man. Gets beat up in his spare time.

MT: Oh, please….. he forces me to listen to him play the same song over and over while he says “Which way is better? Like this? Or this?”

CSW: Oh that’s like being at the Optometrist: “Which is clearer? #1 or #2?”

DTGS: Oh I hate that.

CSW: They’re the friggin’ same!

MT: Exactly!

CSW: Rolling. MT told *me* she could happily kill him with a screwdriver most days.

MT: SOME days, SOME! Laughing.

DTGS: I really need to get some sleep.

MT: I do too.

CSW: You CST people are all the same.

MT: CST?

DTGS: Well then MOVE damn it.

CSW: Central Standard time.

MT: Oh, duh.

CSW: Fine. I will. ‘Night all.

DTGS: You just need some sleep MT. Good night!

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, conversation, granny

Rating: Bikini

Swears & Drinks: Cheap Sweet Wine is cursing me…

Cheap Sweet Wine: Happily. As I said, you never, never should have introduced me to sour apple martinis. And melon martinis. I may be unable to spell much longer, but sour apple martinis… yum.

S&D: Making them at home are ya?

CSW: Yeah. Although think they’ll be better from scratch rather than mixer.

Mrs. Thong: I have never tried any martini, much less sour apple…

CSW: Oh. Girl. Start with melon if you like sweet things. And really. Who doesn’t?

S&D: Ha. Oh sour apple martinis are too smooth for your own good. I was at the Y today, and CSW is gonna prove those women RIGHT about good Catholics.

CSW: I’m sure. However, this one is so potent, I’m quite sure if you stick around I’ll go “bloggable” on you.

S&D: Hilarious.

CSW: Tell me about the Y.

S&D: This one woman, a good friend, very nice, said how she knew these ‘good Catholics’ … and it sure sounded directly linked to them being ‘good drinkers.’

CSW: Laughing, but of course.

MT: Did you tell her about a great blog you “found”?

CSW: Oh man. We’re doing fine on hits without passing it out. And Mrs. Thong…. let me tell you. There is NO SUCH THING as a DIY Brazilian. You would have to have cojones, girl. Yesterday was my day. Ouch. Needed much Tequila.

S&D: Laughing!

MT: My sister does it herself too.

CSW: Your own DIY Brazilian? Man. You *are* the woman.

S&D: Ouch. To you BOTH.

CSW: Ack. No way.

CSW: Worth every penny of $90. Where is DTGS tonight?

S&D: Don’t know, was she having trouble with her computer?

Drinks the Good Stuff: Hello ladies!

S&D: Look what the cat dragged in.

CSW: There you go. Hey girl. Just talkin’ bout you. S&D asked if you were havin’ computer trouble and I was saying, “Not so much she can’t back talk on the forums.”

DTGS: Laughing.

CSW: And btw… I am near to not being able to spell. Sour apple martinis. I need LATITUDE.

S&D: <—- bad influence

CSW: Oh yeah you are.

S&D: But you looooooooooooooove me.

CSW: Yes I do, dear. Anyone who turns me on to THIS is a Good. Girl. Just do not let me post to CMGW like this.

S&D: At LAST, a booze rec. she likes.

CSW: Took you long enough.

S&D: Yeah, let me see if I can post this…. CSW says she drinks but doesn’t swallow.

CSW: Laughing!

S&D: And hey, if you think that sounds iffy… I nearly didn’t say drinks, and thought whoa, that would sound BAD!

CSW: Too funny.

DTGS: Just put up a blog entry. On plants.

CSW: Love [plants]. Only discovered them in [foreign country] where they are RARE, RARE, RARE.

DTGS: Expensive expensive expensive?

CSW: Very. We just usually stole them from the neighbors. No, I found some at a flea market once for about $19.

DTGS: Well I spent almost $200 on [plants] but there were a LOT of them most of them were bare root.

CSW: NO IDEA what bare root means.

DTGS: Well you can buy them in pots

CSW: However, like I told the others, yesterday was Brazilian day and bare root sounds painful today.

DTGS: With dirt on the roots or you can buy them with all of the dirt taken off the roots.

S&D: Ouch, tell me about it.

DTGS: Laughing.

CSW: I don’t buy things that you plant outdoors, as a matter of course. You sound very informed to me.

DTGS: LOL…that’s great.

S&D: Ouch again.

CSW: Jose, baby. I’ll drive. And hold your hand if you want.

S&D: Hell, from the sound of it I may fly home.

CSW: But he’ll like it; you won’t, and you’ll be doing it again. Laughing!

S&D: Come RIGHT OFF THE TABLE!

DTGS: Hold my hand? Like I am going to want COMPANY?

S&D: No kidding.

DTGS: I think not.

CSW: Depends on how much you’ve had to drink.

S&D: You can go lay on your own couch of intense pain.

CSW: On Wiki, they linked to a video of “the moment.”

S&D: OH. Ouch.

CSW: Some people actually had friends with them.

S&D: No. way.

CSW: Okay. I can NOT do that, but whatever gets you through.

S&D: Don’t worry; I do NOT want company. Heck, I want to manage not to be IN my own body, my own self.

CSW: My little French woman was very good. And it STILL hurt like hell.

DTGS: It ain’t the pain that has me worried.

S&D: How many miles do they hear you screaming? It is ALL about the pain. ALL.

CSW: Laughing. I don’t scream. I’m Southern through and through. “Oh no, honey, I’m fine.” This French lady though, knew her business. Almost worth flying out for, gals.

S&D: That is one expensive wax…

DTGS: LOL….like I would sell that to my husband.

CSW: Oh. I bet you could. $200 ticket for $100 wax job = one helluva night. Probably could.

DTGS: Laughing! No way.

S&D: Hilarious.

CSW: Effing way.

DTGS: Why the hell should I pay all that money when I could get a massage? Those hurt too if you get ‘em done right.

CSW: See, never had a massage. Never.

DTGS: I tell ‘em to hurt me too.

CSW: S&M massage? Okay.

S&D: Yeah, whole ‘nother blog.

DTGS: Therapeutic massage.

CSW: Need to see it. I will have to get a massage in [next spa weekend town].

S&D: Love massages.

DTGS: Oh now you’re talking dirty.

CSW: Cracking up. Husband said he’d pick up the house with the kids the other day and I said, “Baby, that’s like talking dirty to me.”

S&D: No kidding.

CSW: Exactly. Massages. Men cleaning houses. What more do you need?

DTGS: Well they do say watching a man do dishes is erotic.

CSW: Who watches? I come talk to y’all.

DTGS: Well I don’t watch my husband do ‘em either.

CSW: But if “they” say, then maybe I’m missing something… I’ll mention it for foreplay tomorrow night.

DTGS: Laughing!

CSW: Snorting.

DTGS: He could take out the trash too.

CSW: Oh now you’re gonna make me excited. Did you see the latest CMGW entry?

DTGS: Yes I did; we need to get together more often.

CSW: I did my best. Yeah, we do.

DTGS: That would be much better for that blog or worse, depending on your perspective.

CSW: Couple times per year would be excellent. Laughing. Worse. I didn’t even add the one about the man almost having an orgasm because I keep my phone between my thighs when I drive…

S&D: Laughing! And yes, you could come to MY house and we could go shopping…

CSW: [Blank] is a great town. We could do some serious damage there.

DTGS: Well when we first moved here, oh Lord I can’t believe I am going to say this, I can just SEE this on the blog…

CSW: Oh do.

DTGS: This was before the fast food places and the car manufacturers had synched their cups and cup holders so if you got a large drink it wouldn’t fit in the cupholder and darn it all I wanted a large drink in the summer here. I swear there were days when I thought I had frostbite on my thighs from holding those damn cups between my legs.

S&D: Laughing!

CSW: Try your phone. On vibrate. I swear EVERY time it goes off…

S&D: You light up like a Roman Candle!

CSW: Laughing out loud, S&D!

DTGS: Do you have to confess that?

Postscript: Y’all so owe me. Do you have any idea how hard this was to upload on the equivalent of 4 martinis? Good Catholic my ass…

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, humor, conversation, bikini

Rating: Bikini

Back from another visit to Swears and Drinks’ hacienda. We were only able to get together once this time, but we made the most of it. When she wasn’t available, I hit the liquor drive thru. Those boys in there will point you to the good stuff.

I arrived at the airport and proceeded to the rental agencies to pick up my very sensible moderate or full-sized sedan. These people know me, however. The agent has the audacity to tell me that the whole lot is available (all the while dragging me toward a red 2007 Mustang) and suggests I pick one. I believe I just said, “That.”

S&D and I raced down the back roads for a while but then we had to head into town.

The downside to living in a college town is the abundance of kids with young bodies. However, it was very pleasant when we both looked at this college gal skating down the sidewalk — hate her on principle — and then surveying the scene at the red light, S&D drawls, “But do notice who that male hottie is staring at. We may be older, but we have more money.”

Dinner was a steak place with great martinis and nice dining. We laughed a bit too loudly (of course) and enjoyed our own brand of humor which is actually kind of hard to put down here for you people who missed out on it. But I do try. In my spare time. And every last one of you knows what I should be doing. But there should always be time for snippets of good friends and humor.

Perusing the menus, we were discussing my new swimming pool (can’t wait for the parties there, gang) and the fact that I do not swim. S&D remarked that she has a daughter like that. We’ve got mechanics but lack a certain other mojo to keep us afloat (Sometime must tell you about almost drowning at Destin in sight of a kid on a floating raft. Sigh.)

“I can swim, I just don’t like my head to get wet,” S&D says.

“I just don’t like to be wet.” says I, without the aid of any alcohol. Without looking up from the menu, I whisper, “That didn’t sound so good, did it?” You think we were laughing prior to that … think again.

Moving on, somehow smoking came up. Now, I have smoked. Can you waitress and not? However I didn’t do it often nor very well. S&D tells me that she hasn’t smoked. Well, she’s put a cigarette up to her lips but she didn’t inhale. No really. She said she faked it. And I’m the Miss Goody Goody of our group? Right. She only fakes inhaling.

Speaking of faking it, I had forgotten that occasionally S&D can display quite the performance if her dinner is exceptional. One bite of her steak and I was compelled to remark, “Not fakin’ that one are ya?” She said, “You should see me with Indian.”

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Site Search Tags: cheap sweet wine, humor, conversation, bikini